Note: The awesome thing about made-up horoscopes is that the stars take requests. Comment with your sign and wishes, and I’ll use them as inspiration in the coming weeks.
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Happy birthday-month! Here’s what I appreciate about you: You appear in all my dreams about gambling. You appreciate lightning bugs’ freedom. You have a tendency toward hats. Give yourself something glowing this week, something warm and a little retro.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): So called “free spirits” often seem (to this Virgo, at least) to be the most enslaved. Embrace your logistics. See how many things you can lavishly plan for. Light a candle for your perpetual calendar. Make a toast to every step you’ve purposefully taken.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): It’s like in that movie All Summer in a Day. A little girl from Earth is living on Venus, where it does nothing but rain. One day, the sun comes out, and some mean Venus girls lock her in a room. A streak of sun falls across the floor and onto her hand. Except here, you know, it’s sunny a lot more often.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Lily Tomlin said “Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.” I’m trying to do this, but I keep getting snagged on little nails and splinters of love and regret. Love and luck to us both.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): My very, very wise friend Shanny Jean told me that whenever she feels impressed/enamored/ intimidated by someone, she resists the urge to run away and instead asks them to be her pen pal. This is some of the most useful advice I’ve ever gotten.
Aries (March 21-April 18): One of my favorite grown-up poetry students sent me an acceptance letter that she got for some of her poems. I had the following two thoughts: 1. THAT IS AMAZING! I am so PROUD! and 2. That journal rejected me…Mostly number 1, though.
Taurus (April 19-May 18): Andy Warhol said ”An artist is someone who produces things that people don’t need to have but that he — for some reason — thinks it would be a good idea to give them.” Apply this any way you want to, from murals to mix tapes to simply giving someone the what-for.
Gemini (May 19-June 21): The Dandy Warhols said “A long time ago, we used to be friends/But I haven’t thought of you lately at all/If ever again/ a greeting I send to you, short and sweet is all I intend.” Lies! Lies, I tell you.
Cancer (June 22-July 23): ): In case you didn’t get to watch the season finale of Mad Men, here are some anti-spoilers for you: Betty didn’t have any breakthroughs, Don “Only likes the beginning of things,” and Sally is getting closer and closer to her Valley of the Dolls-esque spinoff.
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): The wife and I are obsessed with Veronica Mars. Originally, I was distrustful of Veronica because she is an intrepid So-Cal blondie who is not Buffy. But the adorableness of Kristen Bell won out, and here we are. Veronica’s advice for you is: “Here’s what you do … you get tough.”
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): The Last Weatherman is a new poem by Derrick Brown. It’s all about this weatherman who keeps flubbing his lines until he turns them into poetry. I like stories about how you fuck up until you find the work you’re meant to have. Jeez, I hope they’re true.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Luckily, you are not a Calvinist. Your fate is not predetermined. Decide for yourself whether or not you have been given grace, and then go out and do something fun.
No comments:
Post a Comment