The awesome thing about made-up horoscopes? The stars take requests. Comment with your sign and wishes, and I’ll use them as inspiration in the coming weeks.
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Listen to the This American Life episode titled “Unconditional Love.” Think about attachment and risk. Don’t listen to it on the bus, though, because you WILL sob.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): I’m writing a love poem about Pennsylvania for this contest and I’m having a hard time fitting in the puns I love so much; Starucca Creek asking “Viaduct?” Driving through the mountains asking “Who poked whose nose?” I may leave them in anyway.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): You have to keep reminding yourself, no one can hear what you’re thinking; your brain isn’t turned up like a too-loud iPod on the bus.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): I had a dream about you. You were so solid, none of the shimmery, diaphanous quality that you have in waking life. Find something grounding to do. After a while, no one will be able to see through you.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Plow through emotionally difficult situations as if they were coats in a wardrobe. What could be waiting for you besides a lamp, a snowy hillside, and possibly Mr. Tumnus.
Aries (March 21-April 18): Around the time that a friend of mine started going around in drag as another friend (sort of a Single White FTM situation), I realized that really there’s no getting to know people one on one, that identity is porous and shifty, like a lenticular postcard.
Taurus (April 19-May 18): In the words of indie-pop Taurus Gregg Yeti, “Your poetry never prepared you for this.” You need additional training, possibly in social psychology or maybe geometry for design. It’s time to grow some new neural pathways.
Gemini (May 19-June 21): Gertrude Stein said, “Everything is so dangerous that nothing is really frightening.” Buy that view you’ve been shopping for, start your novel (It’s NaNoWriMo, after all!), call that long-lost friend.
Cancer (June 22-July 23): You are a system of equations with infinite solutions. Your choices fan out like fractals or pile up on the same beautiful plane — whatever you choose, you are full of rich variables.
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Last Sunday, my wife and I took a leafing trip to Lancaster. We strolled around looking at the beautiful old town, got homemade ice cream with the best chocolate jimmies in the world, then sat down in the park to make our “It Gets Better” video. Turns out there’s a lot to survive for, even just in that one day.
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): You’ll be free soon from whatever it is. The shouting messes in your life will go mute, the bruises will fade, and the riches will pour in. Remember your many, many lantern-talents.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Reality show contestants routinely say “I’m not here to make friends.” You can hear a montage of these here. The thing is, though, those aren’t always the winners! You actually are here to make friends.
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