Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Year-End Heart-Inventory

1. I started this blog after a June day where I couldn’t stop crying, even while walking in the woods. I sat on a rock next to Wissahickon Creek and just bawled my eyes out, feeling this deep, nasty, desperate sense of unwelcomeness in the world. I realized that if I didn’t want to go on anti-depressants (nothing against them, it’s just always been a goal not to take them.), I was going to need to become a serotonin factory. I bought The Happiness Project and proceeded to do what it said. It took a while, but I do much less sobbing lately. I’m inching towards self-worth, as well.

2. The reader who helped me think of the blog and title is no longer in my life, and as much as I hate to admit it, that still bothers me. One of the great mysteries of 2010 is, how does someone go so quickly from dressing up as Lady Gaga and singing me Paparazzi to just completely disappearing. His sister, too, liked me enough to throw a party with me and then promptly dropped away. The sister said “I’m only talking to my close friends right now, “and how could it ever come back from that? I really, really needed friends last summer, and, I guess that’s no sin, but I’m still a little ashamed of how attached I got. Of course, let’s not forget, that for every disappearing act, there’s like, a million people who stick by me. I resolve not to forget that.

3. And while I’m on the subject of poorly-navigated friendships: Dear Bookstore Bully, everyone thinks you’re a sweet, lavender scented earth mama, but deep down, you are nothing but Mean Girl, a co-op Heather. I only hope that others begin to recognize you for what you are, before you cost your business too much more money.

4. Because of all of the turn-on-dime friendship of the year, combined with my general tendency towards anxiety, I have terrible friend-abandonment issues. The moment I start to feel friend-love, I almost want to make that person go away right away, so I don’t have to feel the (admittedly stupid) fear of the disappearance-shoe dropping. Today is one of those days where I just want to call everyone I know and ask “Did I mess up? Do you hate me? It’s okay, but let me know…” All I can do is type and fight the urge.

5. Okay, so that was a lot of not awesome, but many of the important things in my life are working out quite well at the moment, especially my job. I’ve learned to be pretty relaxed with the kids and that helps us all get much more out of the experience. Today is movie day. I wonder what we’ll watch.

6. I may be a little disappointed in who I grew up to be (like, I may never end up learning to be flexible, or aloof, or very spontaneous, or good with money, or…) but I think my twenty-year-old self would be startled! to find out! that! I have a mostly successful marriage and a great relationship with my family. I feel crazily lucky to be headed toward family holiday get-togethers with nothing but joy and anticipation.

7. I’m terrible when things go a little bit wrong, but great when things go terribly wrong. Recently, Amy started seeing a spot in her vision. Her family blessedly lent us money so that she could see a doctor, but so far, treatments haven’t improved the situation. I HATE SO MUCH that this is happening to Amy, but I’m grateful for the instinct that kicks in and says, “It’s okay, this is who you love, just take care of her.” (BUT REALLY, Universe, AMY? WTF.)

8. Maybe because of that extra-lovey instinct, I haven’t had a real crush on anybody since the summer. I’m still me, people are still cute, but no one has been very distracting. I’m not foolish enough to say there’ll never be another crush, there’s room in my heart I guess, but for now it’s such a relief to stick close to home.

9. It seems that I am going to pass this math class as long as stop I procrastinating enough to study for the final. Next step, GRE prep. The path to teaching seems clearish.

10. Last February, my brother bought Amy and me a new computer. Prior to that, our computer was so old that I never even watched a video on it. The new computer (plus a Rhapsody subscription) made all of the difference in the world.

11. Writing-ambition wise, I am as frustrated as ever. I’ve got a manuscript that I love that I haven’t found a home for. I haven’t been able to work in as many features as I’d like because of shyness and teaching schedule. I’m wildly behind my friends. I try to keep their accomplishments in mind as inspirations, but at the moment I feel like I’m so far behind that I’ve disappeared. I know that when I feel like this, submitting is the only thing for it. That’s why my theme for 2011 is: APPLY FOR STUFF!

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