Friday, December 17, 2010

Poetic License Horoscope for Dec 17-23

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Is there any creative gift you’ve put off giving? Any songs you’ve been rehearsing for open mics, for instance? The starts have opened their ears and are waiting to hear the ring of your bell-voice, shimmering the air.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): My friend Sarah, like at true Unitarian, asked me which December holiday I’d like a card for, and, also like a true Unitarian, I said, “all of them.” Celebrate early, loudly. and often, Capricorn, your birthday is coming!
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Remember the gift of welcomeness. throw open your doors to everyone, light every little lamp, cover all of the tables with Italian-Grandmother amounts of food. People get lonely this time of year, and you can help.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Your heart is like a Cracker Barrel restaurant, full of corn muffins and vintage candies. Spend some time contemplating the weird old-timey wall decorations in there. Bundle up, sit in those nice Adirondack chairs, and wait.
Aries (March 21-April 18): In the movie Funny People, Eminem plays the devil on the shoulder of Adam Sandler’s character, telling him that he can’t change even as he is mid-breakthrough. Don’t listen to your inner Marshall Mathers, Aries. You can do it.
Taurus (April 19-May 18): If you’re having one of those days where you feel like your life doesn’t amount to enough put away Kanye’s new album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. Turn on Girl Talk, It’s upbeat and emotionally neutral. Dance around the room.
Gemini (May 19-June 21): In the words of Marcel from Top Chef, “You don’t fuck with someone else’s mise en place.” Also, trust your friends and frenemies to decorate their banana purée however they see fit.
Cancer (June 22-July 23): Oh, Jen from Top Chef, I so much hated seeing you go, but I loved hearing your Philadelphia swearing on the way out. If I could afford it, I would go straight to 10 Arts by Eric Ripert and give you a hug.
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): “You don’t need to know. That’s between me and Santa,” said a fellow adult writing a letter at the Macy’s Santa Mailbox. What would you ask for, now that you can write cursive and afford your own stamp? In the words of Monsters of Folk, “Hold out your hands, say please.” Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Listen to Too Beautiful to Live’s Fascinating People Episode. (Jen and Luke interviewed each other!) What’s your answer to this question: “What’s the happiest part of the week for you?” Do that, ten-fold.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): You are a CATCH, Libra, and don’t forget it. Make ornaments of all your fine traits, cover them in glitter and spangles, and hang them on the Christmas tree with UNBELIEVABLE amounts of tinsel. You are very shiny.
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): You can have anything you want this week, so make it good. Stock up on produce, spices, music, and candles. Update your wishlists and library reserves. You’re that kind of rich.

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