Thursday, December 23, 2010

Poetic License Horoscope for Dec 24-30:Holly Jolly Edition

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Emulate Buddy from Elf: Expect people to be nicer, shinier, jollier than they really are. Be amazing and prolific at cut-paper decorations.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Like Brittany from Glee, you still believe in Santa Claus. Celebrate elaborate ruses, spurious physics, and carrots left out for reindeer. The stars believe, too.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): All of your far-away friends are thinking of you, their thoughts jingling through the night air in your direction, keeping the children awake.

Aries (March 21-April 18): Edward Scissorhands is a very sad Christmas movie. Make a place for your inner misfit, not hidden in the castle making snow, but down among the houses, cutting everyone’s hair.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): You are the Glee version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” groundbreaking and old-timey, all at once.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): Decorate all of your cookies in the shape of your New Years resolutions: the books publishes, the apologies cut down on, the energy conserved.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): In the Muppet version of It’s a Wonderful Life, Kermit and Gonzo sing a duet called “Everyone Matters,” and it’s true! Think of all the good you’ve done this year, for everyone. The stars would like to thank you.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Like Fred Claus, you have a heart the size of Chicago, the gift of gab, and the propensity to dance to Elvis while disrupting elf productivity. You’re sometimes outshined, but never outloved!

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Your Christmas card list is expanding. Sit down and write love letters for hours in front of a Top Chef: Just Desserts marathon. Make mix tapes for all of your sweethearts. Use every single stamp.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Last night during a holiday dinner, a favorite couple of mine performed “Sisters” from White Christmas, as voiced by two rosemary dinner rolls. Get it, rosemary? Like Rosemary Clooney? Be as silly and perfect and awesome as that.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): In Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas, family togetherness triumphs over poverty, greed, and The Riverbottom Nightmare Band. You’ve overcome so much this year. I wish you hugs from Muppet otters!

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): “Charlie Brown is a blockhead, but he did get a pretty nice tree.” Put aside all of your complaints. Forget everything but singing.

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