Poetic License Horoscope for January 14-20

Note: The stars think that every day should be Martin Luther King, Jr. day, but if you happen to be off work on Monday, January 17th, find a service project in your neighborhood and join in—FUN!

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): You are a bouquet of January flowers, a Dutch Impressionist painting where everything’s blooming at once. Collect it all.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Read Super Sad True Love Story by Gary Shteyngart, but give yourself some recovery time afterwards--it’s a doozie.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): No apocalyptic novels for you, only quilting novels and songs about knitting, cooking lessons or a fat stack of gardening manuals, the more pictures, the better. Keep flourishing, Pisces.

Aries (March 21-April 18): Get yourself a ticket to something decadent, especially if it’s free. A comedy spectacular, a dance party, a museum exhibition… they have sports this time of year, don’t they? Post up the ticket stub and start a collection.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): Cute-boy Taurus-spondent Elliott D. Smith says “We are nothing more than playgrounds for each other's music,” and I agree. Dance like a merry-go-round, like it’s almost your turn on the swings.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): Imagine all of the millions of circumstances that had to conspire so that there could be a you. How can this be? Aren’t you proud of it?

Cancer (June 22-July 23): Watch the perplexingly riveting documentary (?) Exit Through the Gift Shop, in which we see a filmmaker (?) forsake his genius footage in favor of an art show/prank full of sickening junk. (At least I think that’s what we see.) Don’t give up your footage for someone else’s genius—make whatever you’re compelled to make.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Vitriol’s second definition: “Any of various sulfates of metals, such as ferrous sulfate (green vitriol), zinc sulfate, or copper sulfate (blue vitriol).” Find pictures of those and meditate on kindness.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Watching Jon Stewart’s standup in my Dad’s apartment back in the Nineties, I never would’ve guessed what a reluctant leader/lightning field he was destined to become. You just never can tell about anybody.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Please take a listen to the Judge John Hodgeman podcast. It’s like The Marriage Ref, but with Skype and other kinds of disputes. (Is a machine gun a robot?) Sometimes Elna Baker is Guest Bailiff!

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): In the Winter, whenever my wife works late, I like to turn on Rachel Ray’s 30 Minute Meals for company. That’s a little sad, but I’ve learned so many things you can do with nutmeg! Also Rachel Ray is one of the most brilliantly absurd yammerers ever. Yesterday I heard her say this: “Hello, Mr. Honey Bear!”

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Your wishes will all come true through the magic of logistics—make your list of calls, print out the maps, check the bus lines. Jingle your pockets full of tokens and go.