Thursday, July 14, 2011

Poetic License Horoscopes for July 15-21


Cancer (June 22-July 23): The stars are making a mix called Pretty Moody for a Summer Mix, and it’s all songs we know you’ll like. They are for sipping pensive beers or driving back from the beach with noodly muscles. We love you like the finiteness of time.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Your time spent Googling phrases such as “Riot Grrrl” and “Bikini Kill” will pay off handsomely. You’ll rise up like a punk rock Nike of Samothrace, all wings and drapery, all scars and tattoos.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Even if you might blush yourself into a supernova, get up on stage and declare your allegiances, sweet as elementary school valentines, revolutionary as snuggles, nervous as humidity. Just make sure you do all that in a really pretty outfit.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Don’t leave the stars off your dance card, dahling, busy as we all may be. Get covered in cuddles, meteor wishes, kisses like addictive galaxies, but maybe safer and less far away.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): “You are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins.” (Marina and the Diamonds, I Am Not a Robot) It’s okay if you’re attracting everyone and anything, as long as you make time for naps, novels, and daydreams.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): If you’re nervous because you’re moving someplace where the constellations are different, take heart. The stars in those constellations are light years apart. They aren’t even on the same plane. If we can make connections between things so far apart, imagine what you can do, just riding your bike around the new neighborhood, making friends.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Know your everyday aphrodisiacs: reading before bed with a little lamp on, spotting fireflies through the windows as you finish your chores, watching Lost again for the nuance and the love affairs—they’re rich as the spice in your mouth, and as sexy, at least to the homebody stars.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19) Stop worrying! Everyone thinks you’re really pretty and handsome and sparkly and nice. Your smile is like a diamond mine but without the questionable trade practices. Your record collection has actual records and your friend collection is dreamy. Go you!

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): The stars feel that you have accomplished a lot lately, so we are throwing you a Cosmic Pizza Party. Bring your ten favorite shooting star wishes, paper cups for soda, festive plates and hazy music.

Aries (March 21-April 18): “In Portland, you can put a bird on something and call it art.” (Carrie Brownstein) You should always, always do exactly what Carrie Brownstein says. Decorate everything with avian accents. Fall asleep snuggling in goldfinch pajamas. Sign all of you emails with the calls of the cerulean warbler. Make bird call mixtapes to listen to in dreams.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): To my tough-guy friend who currently has Holly Golightly on his facebook wall singing Moon River: Your insides are all glitter and mush, waiting to be hugged and hugged and heard and hugged some more. “We’re after the same/ rainbow’s end, / my huckleberry friend…” Adorbs.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): You’re as cute as a Muppet singing gangster rap. Please Google as many videos of this as you can. You’ll feel like the adorable badass that you are!


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