Thursday, August 11, 2011

Poetic License Horoscopes for August 12-18

Poetic License Horoscopes for August 12-18

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): To the very best Leo in the whole wide world, my lovely wife Amy: you are a bounteous harvest of tomatoes, all-day morning glories, and so very much time watching television shows about cooking. I love you.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Should you find yourself backstage at the rehearsals of a little kids’ production of Wicked, don’t get demoralized by these lyrics: “The good man scorns the wicked! / Through their lives, our children learn/ What we miss, when we misbehave.” You may be spending your days shushing and prompting, but on your own time, you can misbehave all you want, and still be a beloved character.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): If you ever feel too truthful, remember Ice 9 from Cat’s Cradle, the way, once it touches water, it freezes every interconnected waterway, every little rivulet, and ends the world. Lies are like that, elaborate and deadly, so cough up the truth or freeze.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Look everyone in the face and smile. Wake up early and walk along the creek, saying hello to every dog-walker and birdwatcher along the way. Branch yourself out as quietly and gently as the leaves.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): You are the order here, the stage manager—we need you to not just work the lights and run the lines, but know all of our cues. They’ll follow you like a spotlight. You’ll make a whole emerald city just by putting green plastic on the lights—remember, you’re magic, my friend.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): You are an old-timey magician, perpetually pulling flowers out of your coat, waving endless strands of bright handkerchiefs, letting doves emerge from the flash paper in your hands, Everything else is just misdirection.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Is it just me, or did the orange dress that got lambasted on Project Runway last week seem like it belonged to last year’s ugly winning collection, “Walking Through Thunder”? Maybe this is the judges’ way of saying they’re sorry? I still hope they can somehow make it up to Mondo.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): As you sell off treasures to prepare for your new life, remember everything you’re keeping: four tons of books, the dachshund figurines soon to be joined by real doggies, and all of your secret and persistent wedding and family plans.
Aries (March 21-April 18): “Oh man is a giddy thing
/ Love it will not betray you/ Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free/ Be more like the man you were made to be/ There is a design, an alignment, a cry/ Of my heart to see, / The beauty of love as it was made to be” (Mumford and Sons, Sigh No More)

Taurus (April 19-May 18): “It's millenium three, we collared and cuffed
/ It's a world conversation, I'm hollerin' stuff / Like we done wallowed in muck, and squalorin' up/ Who's the culprit, follow the buck, I'm just followin' up/ 'Cause like me, you gots to be in the middle of it/ Unravellin' the riddle of it” (The Coup, Laugh, Love F*ck)

Gemini (May 19-June 21): Your garden is full of the most happiness, a bounty of tomatoes and relaxing chairs. Take some time out to sit, then harvest, then sit, then harvest—your baskets are overflowing and the colors are soso bright.
Cancer (June 22-July 23): Just as with Silas’s strain of plants on Weeds, someone’s been saving your seeds, and they’re actually flourishing, waiting for you somewhere in the northern woods, albeit heavily booby-trapped. Tread lightly, but go ahead and harvest your creation.

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