Friday, October 28, 2011

Triads and Quadrangles: On Being Not-Skinny and Pajama-Envy



It was a good date. We went to The Academy of Natural Science for Mega-Bad Movie Night. I forgot how much I loved watching a bad movie while a panel makes snide comments about it, MST3K-style. Also we got to visit the butterfly garden.

He was cute, tall, and had a million pictures of his little son in his phone. I just go bonkers for dads, in case you didn’t know.

Anyway, we’d just had some post-movie pie in a cute little diner and he was walking me back to my 11th and Walnut bus stop. He’s a shy guy, so he surprised me by talking about a clothing-optional beach he likes to go to. That’s when this conversation happened:

She: “Oh, I would be much too shy for that!”

He: “Well, you’d be surprised, there are more not-skinny women there than skinny women. I know I don’t have the best body-image either.”

She: “………………Um, I have a good body image……………”

I’m sure I said wrong things too, but sheesh, that’s hard to come back from.

I admit that I am heavier than I want to be and that a scale has once again joined the household. Being unconditionally loved and kind of a sensualist, I do tend to gain weight if I am not paying attention. And I’m sure my size is part of the reason guys generally just want to be friends, BUT.

I do love my body. If I can look at it objectively, I can see how someone, even a male someone, might think it’s beautiful. And I always want to be on my body’s side. I don’t want anyone to settle for it, or tolerate it. I just want someone to love it.

At the moment he made that assumption, I felt how cold out it was. I’d had fun but I’d also missed Thursday shows AND the Project Runway finale. I called Amy and she told me she was in her monkey pajamas and very fuzzy socks. I just missed the warmth of my home. I texted her when the bus was ten minutes from home and she had tea waiting for me. I snuggled with her and the cats and felt like the luckiest person in the universe. Who could measure up to that? I feel for the gentlemen, I really do. I wish that everyone could always feel as cozy and loved as I did last night when I got home.

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