Friday, December 16, 2011

Friday Love Poem (Yay, Explicit!)


Today's poet wishes only to be identified as Walter. He is so mysterious that he doesn't even have a fb account, claiming that it's "a long story involving The Exorcist and a handjob." He also claims not to be a poet, but I begged to differ when I met him last month at The Erotic Literary Salon, His blog can be found at  henrystrashcan.wordpress.com. (He says it's not at all love-related though.)

Love Letter

Every day at work I walk past a stack of optometry magazines with a mysterious and perfect woman on the cover. Here is an entirely inappropriate love letter that I will never send.

Dear Vanessa,

I’m sorry I just decided that your name is Vanessa. It seemed to fit.

In any case, maybe you could clarify for me what your actual name is… perhaps, over dinner?

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I’m shallow, that I’m only asking you out based on your looks. But actually, I can tell a few important things just by examining your face. For example, we both have prominent eyebrows, which will serve us well in our relationship.

Do you know why humans have eyebrows? I bet it’s because, back in the day, the monkeys without eyebrows couldn’t express themselves. Maybe they couldn’t arch an eyebrow questioningly at another monkey’s stupid idea to pick a fight with a tiger, and they both got eaten. The monkey tribe with strong eyebrows could communicate messages like, “I am surprised,” or “Maybe let’s not fight a tiger today.”

So you see, expressive eyebrows are key to communication, and communication is key to a good relationship. Do you know why people don’t like snakes? Mostly it’s the poison, but eyebrows probably have something to do with it. People would hug a snake if it put on a convincing sad face.

I know that you’ve been airbrushed, Vanessa, and it doesn’t bother me a bit. I would probably be a little freaked out if your teeth really were that white. It would mean that you don’t drink coffee, and that you probably don’t eat things, and if you didn’t do any of that then what would I bring to you in bed in the morning?

I really would do that for you, Vanessa. If you had to leave for work at 9 a.m., I would start kissing your neck at 8 o’clock, your tits at 8:02, your belly at 8:32, and you’d snap awake by the time I got to your pussy, and you’d peak down at me with half-open eyes and smile then let your head fall back onto the pillow and you’d start to breathe heavily and squeeze me between your thighs and I would suck your clit and caress your ass and you’d have a radiant smile as you strolled into the office the next day and everyone would know exactly why you were so happy that morning and you would be the envy of all your co-workers especially mothafuckin’ Stacy from accounts payable!

I’m sorry if Stacy is just a person I made up.

You look very wise, Vanessa, and probably about seven years older than me, yes? Well I want you to know that I’ve been with an older woman before, and I can handle it.

One time when we were gettin’ it on, she decided out of the blue to bite my shoulder really hard. And it was great.
I had no idea I liked being bit on the shoulder really hard. 

I wonder if I should credit that success to her being more experienced, as I imagine you are. Maybe she thought, “This looks like a man who enjoys having his shoulder gnawed without any warning.”

Or maybe she just thought, “I’m gonna bite this fucker. Bonus points if he happens to enjoy it.”

Either way it worked out well, and I bet you’d be open to explaining your weird kinks to me.

So please, covergirl for Eye Care magazine, Volume 6, Issue 1, I want desperately to make love to you. But in real life this time. I’m sick of all the papercuts.

2 comments:

  1. wow.sooooo romantic dear..i really love them.did you write it yourself? i got some love poems too.. check out. please tell me what you think.

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  2. When you presented this love letter at the Erotic Literary Salon, the audience couldn't stop laughing - at all the appropriate spots. It reads well, but doesn't compare to your in-person presentation. Looking forward to this Tuesday, Dec 20, when you will be featured presenter. I know it will be wonderful, as all your presentations have been in the past. The attendees look forward, as I do, to your entertaining insights and quirky style.

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