Poetic License Horoscope for November 11-17

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22):  Happy birthday! This week, meditate on TV shows about cupcakes: The sudden ubiquitousness of red velvet, the intricacies of frosting roses, the elaborate themed showpieces displaying an array of sweetness, that’s you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” (Semisonic, Closing Time) This week, and every week, really, let one thing go and let one new thing start, even if it’s  trying a new recipe or getting attached to a new sitcom, it’s a little way to keep starting life over.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Take whatever you did with your extra daylight savings time and invest it—even if it pays dividends of dancing or of extra sleep, you’ll be rich with it soon enough.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): To the Aquarius who asked a boy nicely to kiss her—good for you. Whatever softness you’ve gained, whatever future snuggles, can be attributed to the bravery of (ever so politely) claiming something cute for yourself.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20):  However vexing or important the dreams are that are stubbornly refusing to come true, take time this week to celebrate the ones that are already yours. Collect hugs and snapshots, and wholesome tourist experiences. The other dreams are watching you through the Lost-mirror lighthouse and waiting for their time, we promise.

Aries (March 21-April 18): “And all the children walking home past the factories/ can see the light that’s shining in my window as I write this song to you/ and all the cars running fast along the interstate/ can feel the love that radiates, illuminating what I know is true.” (Gabe Dixon, All Will Be Well) Like the characters on last week’s Parks and Recreation, pretend it’s the last night on earth, and do everything you’ve ever wanted to do.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): To the Taurus who’s been sending me like a million songs that help keep my brain alive in times of too much homework: Brian Eno’s Baby’s on Fire was especially helpful, and so was the Le Tigre and the concert footage of Kiss doing Detroit Rock City. Gold star to you, sit. and sorry for the autotune I sometimes send in return.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): It may seem a little bit early, but it’s time to firm up your plans to go see The Muppet Movie with the family over Thanksgiving break. Jason Segel! Has a roommate! Who is! A muppet! He is a FAN of Muppets who also IS a muppet, which is confusing, but apt, and reminds me of you. (Of whom I am a fan)

Cancer (June 22-July 23): You are like a poem that can be used for a million lesson plans, photocopied for children, parsed out on the overhead projector, an introduction to the mathematics of color and the science of prisms. You are always the entire spectrum, and so edifying.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): “this fucking/ Scotch is/ great./ let’s play/ Scrabble.” (Charles Bukowski, Pulled Down Shade) Even if it’s dealt you the occasional bad pew in the past, Scrabble is wonderful to have in the house, like love.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23):  “The world is a bloodrush of rough harmony.” (Ali Smith, There But for The) You’ll pick out the notes that jostle you awake, that jangle your soul. Don’t stop listening until you find them all.

Libra (Sept 24-Oct 21): “If you had the courage and/ Could give the Beloved his choice, some nights,/ He would just drag you around the room,/ By your hair,/ Ripping from your grip all those toys in the world/ That bring you no joy.” (Hafiz, Tired of Speaking Sweetly)

Song of the Week: OK Go and the MUPPETS!

There are no words.

Poetic License Horoscopes for July 15-21

Cancer (June 22-July 23): The stars are making a mix called Pretty Moody for a Summer Mix, and it’s all songs we know you’ll like. They are for sipping pensive beers or driving back from the beach with noodly muscles. We love you like the finiteness of time.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Your time spent Googling phrases such as “Riot Grrrl” and “Bikini Kill” will pay off handsomely. You’ll rise up like a punk rock Nike of Samothrace, all wings and drapery, all scars and tattoos.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Even if you might blush yourself into a supernova, get up on stage and declare your allegiances, sweet as elementary school valentines, revolutionary as snuggles, nervous as humidity. Just make sure you do all that in a really pretty outfit.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Don’t leave the stars off your dance card, dahling, busy as we all may be. Get covered in cuddles, meteor wishes, kisses like addictive galaxies, but maybe safer and less far away.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): “You are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins.” (Marina and the Diamonds, I Am Not a Robot) It’s okay if you’re attracting everyone and anything, as long as you make time for naps, novels, and daydreams.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): If you’re nervous because you’re moving someplace where the constellations are different, take heart. The stars in those constellations are light years apart. They aren’t even on the same plane. If we can make connections between things so far apart, imagine what you can do, just riding your bike around the new neighborhood, making friends.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Know your everyday aphrodisiacs: reading before bed with a little lamp on, spotting fireflies through the windows as you finish your chores, watching Lost again for the nuance and the love affairs—they’re rich as the spice in your mouth, and as sexy, at least to the homebody stars.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19) Stop worrying! Everyone thinks you’re really pretty and handsome and sparkly and nice. Your smile is like a diamond mine but without the questionable trade practices. Your record collection has actual records and your friend collection is dreamy. Go you!

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): The stars feel that you have accomplished a lot lately, so we are throwing you a Cosmic Pizza Party. Bring your ten favorite shooting star wishes, paper cups for soda, festive plates and hazy music.

Aries (March 21-April 18): “In Portland, you can put a bird on something and call it art.” (Carrie Brownstein) You should always, always do exactly what Carrie Brownstein says. Decorate everything with avian accents. Fall asleep snuggling in goldfinch pajamas. Sign all of you emails with the calls of the cerulean warbler. Make bird call mixtapes to listen to in dreams.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): To my tough-guy friend who currently has Holly Golightly on his facebook wall singing Moon River: Your insides are all glitter and mush, waiting to be hugged and hugged and heard and hugged some more. “We’re after the same/ rainbow’s end, / my huckleberry friend…” Adorbs.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): You’re as cute as a Muppet singing gangster rap. Please Google as many videos of this as you can. You’ll feel like the adorable badass that you are!

Songs of the Week: Merry Christmas Mini-Mix!

Remember when Bert and Ernie did Gift of the Magi? Sniff!