Poetic License Horoscope for March 16-22

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): To the Pisces who just received the first copies of her first full-length collection of poems: when you send out your review copies, may you get back a million Valentines worth of praise. You are generous and dear, and you deserve it.

Aries (March 21-April 18): Like the couple in the season finale of Portlandia, look for a little extra adventure, even if it comes in the form of pancakes. You will fall in love with yourself all over again.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): Dear Taurus I can’t stop writing to—I miss you. I wish I’d have met you a few months later, I’d’ve know what to do with you. But then, if I wouldn’t have met you, I wouldn’t have known what to learn. If you knew where to find it, you could read a whole list of really specific thanks. Gonna try to make this the last note to you, I promise.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): “I’m carrying all of the love of an orchestra.” (Noah and the Whale) Whether you dream of writerly success or for a coop of urban chickens, consider yourself on the right path. Let all kinds of ridiculous love buoy you up and carry you forward.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): Swear off whatever you’ve been meaning to swear off, and see if it helps. The stars recently gave up watching The Fashion Police because they are too mean to bodies, and the bodies in our house appreciate it.

Leo (July 24- Aug. 23): Be as specific with your wishes as this Leo’s request: “I am desiring a place of my own, one bedroom in NYC or University City, love with a man who is dark, tall, and has locs, enjoys working in the community maybe for low pay but he is dedicated and really loves it. Desires children but has none, considers himself more spiritual than religious (of the Christian persuasion), is open minded, liberal, honest, trustworthy and values family. I also desire to lose 20 lbs (lol) and have a child before 34.”

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23):  ‎”"Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." (Paul Varjak in Breakfast at Tiffany's) Whatever scars you still wear, consider them gifts. Let them carry you forward out of heartbreak and into your next series of adventures. May your first dates be lightning-crack attraction or deep new friendships—dare I say, both!

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Please put Arcade Fire’s Wake Up on your MP3 player and listen to it often to remind you of what’s stirring inside you. It’s something primal and deep and howly. The stars are sending you every blessing and wish in your quest for it, and please let us know how it’s going.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): To the Scorpio who requested a repeat of last week’s horoscope: It’s hard not to just tell people their true love is coming over and over, every week! Isn’t that why fortune-telling was invented? But the truth is, all kinds of love is coming your way, bounding toward you like a heard of puppies. Open your arms for them.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec 22): You are a box of gourmet chocolates (curse Forest Gump for ruining chocolate box metaphors for everyone) and a beloved series on DVD. Feel free to consume both in one sitting. Enjoy.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Welcome to Spring Training. I’m not really sure what baseball players do there, but I imagine it has something to do with fundamentals. Practice your fundamentals. Play catch, run the bases, do a few hours of batting practice, any way you want to.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb. 19): To my Aquarius friend who is twitterpated: keep making the very most of Spring. Take long daffodil-y walks, go on picnics with children, celebrate any art you want to. You’re doing great!!

Poetic License Horoscope for Feb 24-March 2

Poetic License Horoscope for Feb 24-March 2

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): “My mother was of the sky. My father was of the earth. And I am of the universe, and you know what it’s worth.” (The Beatles) If you happen to be lonely this week or just a little off, don’t worry. There’s probably a lake or a river nearby, some bright clouds to look at. Be sure and wear a warm hat, the stars do worry.

Aries (March 21-April 18): Last weekend, my wife and I went to see Portlandia Live!  One of the things they showed us was a slide of a birthday card that Carrie had made for her mother when she was little. It was signed, “Your famous daughter, Carrie Brownstein.” This week, have a child’s amount of faith in yourself.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): The stars would like to thank every Jungian character who ever wandered into our life and helped us see our shadow selves. It is perfectly acceptable to fall in love with your very worst fears, as long as you remember to break up eventually.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): This week, take one negative belief about yourself and rewrite it as a compliment. If everybody says you’re too sensitive, call it perceptive. If they’ve called you flighty, thank your imagination. If you’ve heard before that you’re too emotional, hug yourself and call it sincere.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): The stars love those books wherein the author does something special for a year and then writes about it. Think of a year-long adventure for yourself, even if it’s just a small one. Record your efforts in writing, in mirror-fog, or on the tops of cakes. Celebrate everything you learn.

Leo (July 24- Aug. 23): At the beginning of the week, our beloved car was broken into, the passenger-side window was smashed and there was glass everywhere. My wife was heartbroken and I wanted to kill whoever did it, but I couldn’t help but be selfishly happy that she’d have to be home for the day. Don’t wait for things to get broken, though, just make a little time to stop.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Okay, so you live in your head a lot, Virgo, but it’s time to take your body on some adventures. That can mean sex, or nature walks, or learning new recipes, or some nifty combination of all three. Get lots of real treats.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): This week it’s time to bring some of your photographs into the physical realm. Print them out or order prints. Make a scrapbook, or bulletin board, or a wall of friends like teenage girls sometimes do. You’ll be amazed by the cheer of sudden company.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” (Semisonic) If you’ve had to let something go lately, don’t despair. It only means that something better, prettier, shinier is on its way. Don’t change a thing, just go ahead and start looking.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec 22): “Hand down we like, we like what we like. Hands down we like, we love, we choose you. We got an eye, an eye for what’s romance. We’ve got our eyes, our eyes trained on you…We love the sound, the sound is what found us, sound is the blood between me and you.” (Wild Flag, Romance)

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Meditate on Carrie Brownstein’s voice this week. Listen to Sleater-Kinney and let it sandpaper out your insides, screech your soul clean. That reminds the stars, we need to get Wild Flag tickets.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb. 19): To the Aquarius starting a new job this week: may the sun shine through the front window in welcome. May you get in many pleasant side-conversations with co-workers. May you never forget your morning coffee at home. Most importantly, may you still have time for parties.

Poetic License Horoscopes for July 15-21

Cancer (June 22-July 23): The stars are making a mix called Pretty Moody for a Summer Mix, and it’s all songs we know you’ll like. They are for sipping pensive beers or driving back from the beach with noodly muscles. We love you like the finiteness of time.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Your time spent Googling phrases such as “Riot Grrrl” and “Bikini Kill” will pay off handsomely. You’ll rise up like a punk rock Nike of Samothrace, all wings and drapery, all scars and tattoos.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Even if you might blush yourself into a supernova, get up on stage and declare your allegiances, sweet as elementary school valentines, revolutionary as snuggles, nervous as humidity. Just make sure you do all that in a really pretty outfit.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Don’t leave the stars off your dance card, dahling, busy as we all may be. Get covered in cuddles, meteor wishes, kisses like addictive galaxies, but maybe safer and less far away.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): “You are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins.” (Marina and the Diamonds, I Am Not a Robot) It’s okay if you’re attracting everyone and anything, as long as you make time for naps, novels, and daydreams.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): If you’re nervous because you’re moving someplace where the constellations are different, take heart. The stars in those constellations are light years apart. They aren’t even on the same plane. If we can make connections between things so far apart, imagine what you can do, just riding your bike around the new neighborhood, making friends.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Know your everyday aphrodisiacs: reading before bed with a little lamp on, spotting fireflies through the windows as you finish your chores, watching Lost again for the nuance and the love affairs—they’re rich as the spice in your mouth, and as sexy, at least to the homebody stars.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19) Stop worrying! Everyone thinks you’re really pretty and handsome and sparkly and nice. Your smile is like a diamond mine but without the questionable trade practices. Your record collection has actual records and your friend collection is dreamy. Go you!

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): The stars feel that you have accomplished a lot lately, so we are throwing you a Cosmic Pizza Party. Bring your ten favorite shooting star wishes, paper cups for soda, festive plates and hazy music.

Aries (March 21-April 18): “In Portland, you can put a bird on something and call it art.” (Carrie Brownstein) You should always, always do exactly what Carrie Brownstein says. Decorate everything with avian accents. Fall asleep snuggling in goldfinch pajamas. Sign all of you emails with the calls of the cerulean warbler. Make bird call mixtapes to listen to in dreams.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): To my tough-guy friend who currently has Holly Golightly on his facebook wall singing Moon River: Your insides are all glitter and mush, waiting to be hugged and hugged and heard and hugged some more. “We’re after the same/ rainbow’s end, / my huckleberry friend…” Adorbs.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): You’re as cute as a Muppet singing gangster rap. Please Google as many videos of this as you can. You’ll feel like the adorable badass that you are!

Poetic License Horoscope for March 4-10

 ***I'm excited to announce that the horoscopes have another new home this week: Apiary! Thanks to Lillian  and the rest of the beautifuls over there for always including me in their fun.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Things to do while you’re waiting for the next season of Portlandia: Memorize famous bridges. Send lavish bouquets to Aimee Mann. Listen to Sleater-Kinney records backwards, for the hidden messages. Remember your mantra: Put birds on things. Put birds on things. Put birds on things.


Aries (March 21-April 18): The stars told me to tell you that Ira Glass is your guardian angel. He watches over everything you do, asking thoughtful questions and moving the story forward in such a patient, soothing voice.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): “The sum of all known reverence I add up in you whoever you are.” (Walt Whitman) Etch that into your mirror, paint it on your coffee cups, write it in the middle of your palms for luck.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): I like Steve Carell’s character in Dinner for Schmucks. He loves his ex-wife so much that he makes her a whole parkscape diorama. Peopled with little dressed-up taxidermied mice, but still, endearing!

Cancer (June 22-July 23): Dress optimistically, even if it means your ears might get cold. Show your faith with just-light-enough sweaters. Believe it’s warm out until you touch the window pane.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Last night as I was snuggled up, reading in bed with my sweetie, she with her Wonder Woman graphic novel and I with my Bitch magazine, I thought, “This is exactly what I always hoped for.” Be prepared for similarly snuggly revelations.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): “Love the music our beatbox bodies loop over sunrises. /Love the soft spots we leave for each other.”(Elliott D. Smith) The whole Universe is waking up next to you, blinking its eyes, with swoony thoughts and fancy plans.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Last week when I was freaking out about an upcoming math test, my tutor pal came over to help me. Even though he only stayed for an hour and most of that hour was spent on gossip, he helped me to improve my score by 14 questions worth of points. Someone’s waiting to work that kind of magic for you.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Hooray for Barb on Big Love! She’s realizing that she can have access to the divine without a man’s intercession! Sister-wife, listen more to your inner Margene, and less to your inner Nicki.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22):Last time my nephew Holden visited, he was very, very disappointed that he could not give a cheeseburger to either of our cats. But as for you, in the words of T.I. as paraphrased by Lolcats: you can haz whatever you like.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): I unsubscribed to my previously favorite podcast after the host made me cry on Twitter. Maybe we don’t need to interact with everything we love, or maybe we just have to keep trying. #stillalittlebrokenhearted

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Like a ghost in a library, you have access to everything, but need help turning the pages. What little winds can come along and flutter you forward? Maybe an Aries can lend you her guardian angel?

Poetic License Horoscopes is a free syndicated series which appears weekly on such lit blogs as The Serotonin Factory, Critical Mass and The Legendary and Apiary If you are interested in adding the Poetic License Horoscopes to your lit journal / lit blog, please email me at serotoninfactory@gmail.com.

Spring Fever Mix Tape: Poetic License Horoscopes

***This week's springtastic picture comes from my sister, Katie Carter, who is my favorite photographer!***

Poetic License Horoscope for February 18-24

Spring Fever Mix Tape


Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Write About Love (Belle and Sebastian): Whatever cubicle nightmare is glitter-hazing your head, your heart needs some fresh air. Go outside and get sunbeams on your face. Map the snowmelt rivers, or better yet, follow them.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): (Portland, Oregon) You’re My Home (Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen): “We’re so thankful for everything we’ve got, and we’re so sorry for everything we’re not.” Except that you never have to apologize. Your heart is as bountiful as a Portland food truck. You are the opposite of an ironic mustache. Like the Rose City, your aim is true.

Aries (March 21-April 18): The Cave (Mumford and Sons): “The sun, it rises slowly as you walk/ Away from all the fears/ And all the faults you've left behind.” You are now leaving Plato’s cave. Things aren’t shadows anymore, they’re three-dimensional.


Taurus (April 19-May 18): Firework (Glee Cast Version): Everyone has come to the field and spread out their blankets as the blue fades from the sky and the stars appear. They’re waiting for you with a soundtrack of sighs. You are only for special occasions, only for glimmering across their upturned faces.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): The Suburbs (Arcade Fire): Things may seem end-of-the-worldy, but a lot of it plans to stick around, I promise. Ride bikes around like little kids. Take out your camera and record every angle of your living sight. Have faith in the horizon, and even in the cul-de-sac.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): Animal (Miike Snow): You shapeshifter, mixing your signals, fading in and out like a pulse. You can decide what you are on any highway. “Now you’re pulling your disguise up. Are you free or are you tied up?”

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Home (LCD Soundsystem) and Home (The Magnetic Zeroes): Get there and stay there, or carry it with you. Everything you hope for is stacked up around your ears. Remember your best friend is your breath, and most importantly: come back, come back, come back.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): El Scorcho (Weezer): Somebody is always reading your diary, decoding the heart-doodles in the margins. Follow love with or without mistranslation, whether or not you are even legible. Send out sparks like homing beacons, it’s okay for now, the waiting.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): You Can Do It (Ice Cube): You are my very own living room dance party, and this is encouragement you can trust. “Don’t stop, git it git it.” You will.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22):  Touch the Sky (Kanye West): “Any pessimists I ain't talked to them,/Plus, I ain't have no phone in my apartment.” Feel free to be oblivious to anything that might hold you back. Pull out all of your household wires if necessary.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Born this Way (Lady Gaga): It doesn’t matter if you were born this way or not—the you that you are creating out of the materials given (hardship, music, TV shows, imaginary limits) is so perfect that it is too beautiful to look at. Get yourself to a disco ball, and refract all over the place.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Awake my Soul (Mumford and Sons)  “How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes/ I struggle to find any truth in your lies/ And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know/ This weakness I feel I must finally show/ Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all/ But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall/ Lend me your eyes I can change what you see/ But your soul you must keep, totally free”

Poetic License Horoscopes is a free syndicated series which appears weekly on such lit blogs as The Serotonin Factory, Critical Mass  and The Legendary If you are interested in adding Poetic License Horoscopes to your lit journal / lit blog, please email me at serotoninfactory@gmail.com.

Also This Song: More Portlandia

"We're so thankful, for everything we've got. And we're so sorry for everything we're not."

Motivation Mondays! Playlist

So I've decided to make the "How to Stay Motivated" series into a regular feature.

Being a slacker at heart, I am pretty new to the idea of being motivated, so if you have some ideas, feel free to comment or you can email them to me at serotoninfactory@gmail.com

Here are some things that motivate me and keep away the Winter blahs (Besides a full spectrum light bulb.)

1. Spite
2. My cute cute students.
3. Knowing that life is finite and stuff.
4. Carrie Brownstein
5. My complicated feelings about Kanye West.
6. Too Beautiful to Live

This mix celebrates all of those things.


Walk Fast


1. Stronger--Kanye West
2. Catch My Disease--Ben Lee
3. Ready to Start--Arcade Fire
4. Dream of the 90s--Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen
5. Portland, Oregon (You're My Home)--Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen
6. F**k You--Cee-lo Green
7. I Can Change--LCD Soundsystem
8. Crooked Teeth--Death Cab for Cutie
9. Hurt Feelings--Flight of the Conchords
10. Hands in the Air--Girl Talk
11. Good Day--Nappy Roots
12. You Can Do It--Ice Cube
13. Tight Rope--Janelle Monae feat. Big Boi
14. Poker Face--Lady Gaga
15. Animal--Miike Snow
16. Dance Yrself Clean--LCD Soundsystem
17. Whip My Hair--Willow Smith
18. Touch the Sky--Kanye West


"Dance Yrself Clean" from Hung Low Films on Vimeo.

Poetic License Horoscope for Feb 4-10 (Plus a song)

Poetic License Horoscope for February 4-10

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Sam Teitel says: “I just gotta get back on the horse/ even if I know the horse has rabies/ and hates me personally,” but I disagree. Sometimes the best thing to do is to stay dismounted.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): On last week’s Parks and Recreation, Leslie Knope pulled off a brilliant speech on behalf of her Harvest Festival, in spite of the fact that she was totally zonked out on flu medication. There’s no reason to be quite so heroic, but just know you’re capable of it.

Aries (March 21-April 18): Since Nineties nostalgia is all the rage, watch or rewatch episodes of The State. If you’re an X-er like me, you’ll remember such catchphrases as “Two hundred. And forty dollars. Worth of pudding.” and “I love you, toothbrush! Let’s run around and do things set to popular music!”

Taurus (April 19-May 18): "We're gonna have a good day/and all my homies gonna ride today/and all these mommies look fly today and all we wanna do is get by today/hey, we're gonna have a good day/and ain't nobody gotta cry today/cause ain't nobody gonna die today/save that drama for another day." is a really good run-on sentence by Nappy Roots.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): Learn some new Scrabble words, even if it’s just by typing made-up combinations of letters into the dictionary. Or just work on memorizing your two letter words. As we saw on The Office: ‎"K. A. Ka? What does ka mean?" "It means you're playing someone who is going to destroy you."


Cancer (June 22-July 23): “She told me she'd love me like fireworks/ and that's the way I like it, ”says Ben Lee. Explode with devotion, leaving streaks across the sky and ashes in the air. You remind me of summer.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): My wife’s phone does not flip shut. Consequently, she butt-dials me at least twice a day, sometimes interrupting math class with her Katy Perry I Kissed a Girl ringtone. I check every message, even if I am pretty sure it’s just her pants again.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): On the most swoondrogynous Portlandia sketch yet, the overuse of a safeword drives a wedge into a couple’s intimacy. The stars think there’s a lesson in there somewhere, and feel compelled to tell you their safeword is “marshmallow.”

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Still haven’t taken down the Christmas lights? That’s okay, there’s still plenty to celebrate: Olivia Munn has a sitcom that’s kind of okay! The Mountain Goats are on tour soon! The word “swoondrogynous” was recently invented! (See: Virgo.)

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22):  Like Iron Chef José Garces,(of Philadelphia!) you really know your way around a passion fruit, and you know you’re more likely to win if you serve the judges mojitos. Congrats on your decisive victory.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): A pal of mine just told me that Maya Angelou once told Oprah Winfrey that if "someone tells you who they are, believe them.” Strip away the sunny advertisement of their turns of phrase. Pull back the fuchsia sequined backdrop. If you still love them, go ahead.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Don’t worry if you press “like” too many times—soon enough the technology will be obsolete and you’ll be able to pulse your compliments directly into you loved ones’ neurotransmitters. Maybe you’re just ahead of your time.

Poetic License Horoscopes is a free syndicated series which appears weekly on such lit blogs as The Serotonin Factory, Critical Mass and The Legendary .If you are interested in adding Poetic License Horoscopes to your lit journal / lit blog, please email me at serotoninfactory@gmail.com.

Ben Lee - Catch My Disease from New West Records on Vimeo.

Poetic License Horoscope for January 28-February 3

Poetic License Horoscope for January 28-February 3

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Our brains are programmed to remember danger. That’s why one saber-tooth complaint can loom larger than one hundred compliments. Don’t lie awake trying to forget teeth. Collect praise like Mancala marbles.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Winter is speeding by and in your dreams, it’s already Spring. Remember the leaves? They remember you!

Aries (March 21-April 18): My friend Fiona was INCENSED when some lady told her she was too young to understand snail mail. To that person she should quote Virginia Woolf: “Life is a luminous halo, a semi-transparent envelope surrounding us from the very beginning.”

Taurus (April 19-May 18): “The dream of the Nineties is alive in Portland” goes the theme song of my new favorite show, Portlandia. No matter where you are, try it: Sleep until 11, experiment with flannel, start your own adult hide-and-seek league. Fun, right?

Gemini (May 19-June 21): "True love is boundless like the ocean and, swelling within one, spreads itself out and, crossing all boundaries and frontiers, envelops the whole world" –Mahatma Ghandi

Cancer (June 22-July 23): Count your tropes like treasures: Your lists of flowers, the number of times you mention rain, your beautiful and ever-befuddling mate. Chime them like a clock, sing them like a mantra.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): This is your mix tape week. Make yourself a soundtrack for everything. Label all of your unnamed songs, archive your musical gifts.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Some episodes of This American Life are like the boiling frog scenario, but with sadness. Sometimes you should turn it off before the misery gets too hot and listen to Judge John Hodgeman instead.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): A favorite Libra poet of mine is always trying to give away his stage time—don’t do that. Take your turn and have your say—you’re worthy and your voice is beautiful.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Spring is coming like a hoped-for apology, a letter scented with lilacs and stamped with fresh earth. Can you hear the blossoming, underneath the crickle of ice?

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Your heart is as big as California. This time of year, I miss your perfect daffodils, your supermarkets of bright, inexpensive bouquets, your stretches of highway that smell like strawberries, your eucalyptus nights.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): You are as romantic as late-night language lessons, as pretty as fingernails, as hopeful as church. Keep it up, you’re perfect.