Wonderful September, Self-Care October

I can't BELIEVE how productive September was! My business calendar is full of clients and my neighborhood is full of art. Some of those "mini-workouts" were even snuggles! Gasp!!

I sometimes wonder if it would be better to dial out of the daily adventures of fellow American rape survivors, but I don't know if that's possible. So I'm piling on the self-care and hoping for the best. The OK Cupid checkmarks seem the most daunting, but I'm sure they'll be worth it. 

Motivation Mondays: Little Autism Interview

Originally I’d planned this to be part of Autism Awareness Month in April, but of course awareness shouldn’t be consigned to months.

My sister is one of my personal heroes in life. Her home, with its four kids, two cats, and dog named Happy, is the emotional center of our family. She and my brother–in-law are the best parents I know. They make their home so loving and welcoming—last time I was there, I was washing up the dishes at the end of the day and I swear a sunbeam came in the window and just shined right into my soul. It’s that kind of house.

When Quinn was diagnosed with autism a few years ago, I was amazed by how much they took it in stride, greeted the news with sadness, yes, but also with research and love and grace. Every time I see the Carter family, I have to comment on their patience and be amazed with how loving and calm (if loud and raucous) it stays.

To wake up at my sister’s house is to wake up with all four kids climbing on me, but it’s always Quinn first, and even though he’s to be discouraged from repeating and repeating words and phrases, his little voice saying “penguin” over and over if the most comforting thing in the universe.

I asked my sister some questions about life with this magical kid, and here’s what she said:

1. What do you wish people knew about how to relate to Quinn and other autistic kids?

Appearances are deceiving - Quinn seems to be in his own little world (and he is!), but he's still taking in everything around him. He's perfectly willing to interact with people, but you have to make the first move, because he's also content to be off on his own.  It does take him a while to warm up to, and be willing to interact with, new people - his teachers always start the year wondering how the heck to teach him anything, and they always end the year loving him to bits.  :)  He can learn just about anything, but you have to directly teach it to him - he won't pick it up from his environment on his own.  The key is to be patient, and to be more stubborn than he is!

2. What are some of the things you're proudest of, as his family?

He's made a lot of progress, which is always good to see.  He's becoming more social and verbal all the time, although he does still have a lot of catching up to do!  My favorite thing is to see other kids (mine or otherwise) trying to help him if he needs something, or get him involved in an activity. 

3. If people want to donate money or time to help with autism awareness, what do you suggest?

I don't know much about any specific charities, but I know Autism Speaks is a big one.  They do fundraising walks regularly, and the money goes to research.  Any research is good research!

Thanks Kate! Thanks Quinn!

Motivation Mondays: 30/30 Wrap-Up

Our Friendship is made

of being awake.--Rumi.

(Here are some pictures of a walk through my neighborhood.)

In the end, I wrote 31 poems. The last word in the last one was Yum and that’s how I feel about April 2011. It felt like four months worth of month. It was the best writing month in the best writing year of my life. It changed me in some ways that can’t even be put into words, and for me, that’s really saying something, since I’ve never met a feeling I couldn’t over-articulate. But yes, I’m a new woman, and there’s so much in my heart that it’s hard to type.

I feel like my 31 poems made me some progress, but it wasn’t easy—for a few weeks, I kept having the same dream: I’d write something, post it, worry about it, then get in some kind of trouble, the same dream over and over, but I kept on posting and pushing and taking risks. I did get in some little trouble here and there, but it seems like it’ll all work out.

The risks I took opened my heart so ridiculously much that sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself. I wish the word “Twitterpated” weren’t ruined and I’m glad the word “smitten” isn’t—that’s what I am. Artistically smitten. My notebooks have spring fever, and so do my paintbrushes.

And as much as the wisteria and the lilacs and the new Mountain Goats album and some other things are making me all fizzy at the moment, May will require me to be in a little more of a grounded state. I hope at least my brain will stop effervescing enough so that I can read prose again, and get a good grade on my linear math final tomorrow, and then there are these 31 poems to be submitted…

Anyway, Virgo-y though I may try to be, here are some ways I want to make the rest of the year more like April:

 

1. Be brazen, keep pushing outwards and letting my silly mess of a heart open up all over the place.

2. How about if I commit to writing a new poem each week? (In addition to horoscopes and Scrabble poems…) But maybe not posting it. Maybe posting it on the bulletin board by my chair.

3. Keep sending my friends a million love notes, even if they’re not stashed in the comment section underneath poems. Because I plan to continue feeling like this:

Motivation Mondays: Hitting the Reset Button

After you’re done here, may I recommend this excellent Radiolab episode: Desperately Seeking Symmetry.

When I first started thinking about what to write for today, I felt pretty bereft. This has been maybe the most prolific few months of my life, and all of the swirling emotions and the crush of prolificness had me feeling a little bit drained. Also, I have the blues about 30/30 being almost over—it’s my favorite part of the year and I really am gonna miss everyone so much.

Whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed/blue like that, I try to remember to fill the well a little bit, to take  some time away from producing work and just have some new experiences, not in the sense of Finding Something to Write About, but just for the sake of feeling refreshed. Luckily, I was away with my in-laws in Dallas, so it was easy to jump into my beauty-queen cousin’s Zumba class, or see what it’s like to throw peanut shells on the floor in a chain “roadhouse,” and attend my first ever ice cream social. (Which, how could that be anything other than awesome?!)

Neurologists have shown that even the smallest learning experience physically changes your brain. I certainly felt that as I was sitting on the plane back to Philly, spilling out all kinds of stanzas and paragraphs. ( In between rounds of Falling Block Game, the open source Tetris game Amy found me.)

Even if you can’t go to Texas and pal around with the Huckabees, Lawsons, and Douthits, little changes to the (in my case, BELOVED) home routine can be just as restorative. I very much look forward to walking the Wissahickon without headphones today and then visiting a library other than the one I work at. Little things like that can make me feel so optimistic sometimes.

I guess maybe I’ll write more next week about the end of 30/30, but if you have some ideas about how to keep that feeling of playful-prolific community going during the regular year, please do email me with suggestions. serotoninfactory@gmail.com

Motivation Mondays: Prompts and a One-Person Writing Retreat

Hi loves! How is your 30/30 going? You can follow my poem-a-day shenanigans here . I would love to read yours, too.

Here are some prompts if you need them! If you want to suggest prompts or just say hi, you can write to me here: serotoninfactory@gmail.com.

The first two prompts are from John Beck,whose Friday Love Poem we can look forward to on May 13. John says:

“1. Pick a rhyming poem form (sonnet, sestina, etc) - select your rhyming words semi-randomly, then make it work. Don't worry about meaning, just rhythm and rhyme.

2. Write in response to a favorite (or least favorite) poem or song.”

3. Go over to Radius and find out how to write a made-up (but still magic) horoscope. (Also it’s a great place to submit political poems and other things!)

4. This is the one I’m writing for today, courtesy of my poems’ soulmate, Cristen O’Keefe Aptowicz.  

******

So last weekend, one of my favorite pals was having the blues. I couldn’t do much about it, but I suggested something that almost ALWAYS makes me feel better when I’m all complicated/overwhelmed/lonely: a one-person writer’s retreat:

1. Set aside 4-5 hours—as much time as you can, but usually an afternoon will do it.
   
2. Turn off your phone and computer and don’t turn them on again until you feel better.
   
3. Get a stack of poetry out of the library or just catch up on the ones you have around the house.
   
4. Read, dawdle, write, draw, generally just do whatever you want. Sometimes I like to de-clutter on these sorts of days, but maybe that’s just my own kind of fun.
   
5. But no poetry chores, like submitting or writing cover letters or anything. those things usually cheer me up too, but for now, it’s just about listening to yourself and filling the proverbial well.
   
6. If something bores you, put it down and find something more fun.

You’ll feel refreshed and less lonely, and maybe you’ll even have some new poems.

Motivation Mondays: Inspiration for 30/30!

Oh my goodness! It’s almost April! National Poetry Writing Month! A bunch of my friends and I write and post a poem a day every April. For a half-introvert like me, it’s almost more fun than Nation Poetry Slam events, and in some ways, it’s a better way to get to know people.

I love any writing game that does the good old surrealist trick of accessing the unconscious and bypassing the inner censors with fast and urgent writing. I LOVE being forced to use whatever I have from day to day and of COURSE I like any excuse to be in touch with everybody more.

If you have any favorite writing prompts/games, email them to me: serotoninfactory@gmail.com. I’ll post and try as many as I can.

Here are some ideas to keep you going:

1. Get What It Is by Lynda Barry. It’s my favorite ANYTHING about the creative process. You’ll have infinite writing prompts and a heartening new perspective on getting drafts down without judgment. I really can’t recommend this book enough.
2. Write a pantoum.
3. Cut up a pop song.
4. Cut up Blessing the Boats by Lucille Clifton and make someone a benediction.
5. Write about all of the stuff that pisses you off.
6. Come out of the closet even more.
7. Write letters to people, places, things.
8. Read Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird by Wallace Stevens and write your own____ Ways of Looking at _____.
9. Save your Scrabble words and your Apples to Apples words to make into poems. I haven’t actually tried this one yet, but I think it might work.
10. And of course:

Motivation Mondays: Waiting

“And it seems strange

how we used to wait

for letters to arrive.

But what’s stranger still

is how something so small

can keep you alive.” --Arcade Fire

“Your whole life is a class on waiting.” Andrea Durham

“Why do you let me stay here,

all by myself?

Why don’t you come and play here?

I’m just sitting on the shelf.”—She and Him

“To wait open-endedly is an enormously radical attitude toward life. So is to trust that something will happen to us that are far beyond our imaginings. So, too, is giving up control over our future…The spiritual life is a life in which we wait, actively present in the moment, trusting that new things will happen to us, new things that are far beyond our imagination, fantasy, or prediction. That, indeed, is a very radical stance toward life in a world that is preoccupied with control.”—Henri J. Nouwen

My life coach pal Andrea Durham is teaching a class at church and the theme last week was “Waiting.” I’d come into class telling her that I was feeling pretty lost, so the idea of an hour and a half of meditating on/discussing waiting was part annoyance, part relief.

At the moment, I’m waiting to hear back from my teaching program of choice. I’m not even sure what I want the answer to be. Part of me wants to be certified to teach, but part of me just wants to get a fulfilling-enough job and get on with my life a lot sooner. Even if I get and accept a yes, there are so many up-in-the-air matters, like how to pay for it, how to keep the household running with no time to play housewife, how to keep my writing self from getting swallowed up, etc.

Even without big questions like that, so much of writing life is about waiting—waiting for the nebulous ideas in your head to coalesce into a poem, giving the poem a little time to sit before editing, waiting to hear back about gigs, journals, manuscripts. At least once a week, I say to myself, “Boy, they call this submitting for a reason.”

But according to that waiting class, it doesn’t have to be such a helpless thing. Waiting can be a way to practice faith, to trust the better parts of you to know what they’re doing, and also to give yourself space to grow. I like to think of myself that way, like a poem getting a little breather before it goes into editing and out into the world. It even makes me feel kind of okay about my first and second full-length manuscripts (and third and fourth, etc, I guess…) getting rejected so that my first book would have time to be a better thing.

My tendency when anxious about waiting is to pile on more projects to wait and worry for, and that sure does get a lot done, but I like thinking about waiting as a way to make space. (As anyone who reads this blog knows, I do have space issues.) It’s kind of a relief to let my control-freak self be dreamy, distracted, and dawdly—it’s kind of a relief to just let myself be lost.

What are your favorite non-projecty ways to wait? I like doodling, fantasizing, indulging in magical thinking (Yes, I recently gave myself a Tarot reading, and apparently victory is assured.), making playlists, and engaging in the Zen futility of sweeping up cat hair.

Here's one of the best things to do while waiting: type your childhood address (es) into The Wilderness Downtown and see what happens.

It'll be something like this:

Motivation Mondays: What to Get (Inspired by...Shappy!)

(Pssst: If you feel like you'd like a writing prompt for motivation, go visit my post on Radius--Made Up Forms: The Cut-Up Pop Song, after this, of course. )

“If you see something you love, you’ve just gotta get it, and eat it.” –Shappy Seasholtz

I would first like to mention that the same Shappy Seasholtz bought me a bag of caramel creams yesterday, because he knows they remind me of racial harmony. I was so touched that I got a tiny bit choked up, but then again, I was a little sleep deprived.

Anyway, though maybe I don’t always need to follow his advice when it comes to pie, it’s good writing advice.

The trick, though, is figuring out how to discern which things you REALLY love, which aspects of your goals are the most important ways to spend your finite time. I’m an urgent girl, so it seems really important to figure these things out.

There have been parts of poetry that I’ve always felt guilty about not doing. I’ve always felt bad that I haven’t tried harder to compete in slams, but I’m delighted to say I’m ready to let that guilt go. As much as I will never support the arbitrary and false division between page and stage, I feel much more comfortable and happy competing for publication than for points. (And of course I so much admire people who are wholehearted at both!)  And of course, having said that, I’m still going to try and get on my own venue’s team.

There’s a difference, though, between neglecting to do things because they aren’t priorities and avoiding things out of fear. There are a few things that are very important to me that I’ve avoided for years, waiting until it feels safe, I guess, but that avoidance is starting to make me feel stunted and repressed. (And, since I’m always encouraging everyone else to be honest and expressive, a little bit hypocritical.)  Admitting that those goals and desires are real and important seems like a good first step towards pushing past the fears and ignoring all of the prohibitive voices that have built up over the years. (My pal Cristen calls these my “anxiety terrorists.”)

So how can we move our own boundaries and dismantle the arbitrary limits we’ve placed on ourselves? All that from a quote about pie.


Mumford and Sons - Awake My Soul from Thomas Henley on Vimeo.

March Resolutions

Resolution 1: Secret Resolution cont’d.

Resolution 2: More silence.

Resolution 3: Get the new version of the manuscript finished and out into the world, even though I’m scared to.

Resolution 4: Do more things that are just about art.

Resolution 5: Get less lonely. (I have no idea.)

February Resolutions Check-in

Well, I’m getting a little bored with writing about The Happiness Project. That’s a good sign, I guess!

Anyway, so the February resolutions were:

Resolution 1: Is a secret.

I think it went pretty well. Could’ve been better.

Resolution 2: Ace the Praxis.

Well, I got 185 out of 190 on the reading section and 181 out of 190 on the math section (!) so unless my essay was too bloggy,(don’t think it was) it went great.

Now I can move on from worrying about the test and go back to worrying that I’ll actually get INTO a teaching program, and then I won’t have time to write.

Resolution 3: Finish teaching program apps.

Done, but I resolve to waste no more resolutions on paperwork. I’m a Virgo. Paperwork gets done.

Resolution 4: Finish bringing the 2010 photos into the physical realm.

I promise I’ll do this some time before 2011.

Resolution 5: Cut down on screen time by 1/3.

I think I accomplished this by virtue of not going online on the weekends, but I still feel like I’m guilty of overchecking. Does loneliness make me overcheck, or does overchecking make me lonely?

(Early) Motivation Mondays: Show Me Your Notebooks!

I'm posting this early because I've got the Praxis on Monday; I need to forget that the internet exists so I can get all unscattered by then. I've moved on from tears and worry to determination, so that's a good sign. Send me good thoughts if you do that sort of thing.

This week, I’m curious about your notebook-life. What do they look like? How many do you have going at a given time? You can even send me pictures, if you want. I’d be fascinated to see them. (serotoninfactory@gmail.com)

Unsurprisingly, my notebook-life is neurotically specific:

--As recommended by Lynda Barry in What it Is, a nice looseleaf binder for first drafts.

---A regular wide-ruled 1 subject spiral notebook for morning pages.

Ever since the first time I did The Artist’s Way, (on the advice of a therapist, way back 11 years ago in Laguna Beach) I’ve been writing 3 pages every morning as soon as I wake up, before anything. Well, not before making coffee.

If I miss my pages, I feel groggy and weird.

The first forty minutes after you make up and 40 minutes before you go to sleep is called your hypnagogic state. As I understand it, your mind’s defenses are lowered during that time, so that things can more easily work their way out of your subconscious—something like that.

It’s not that I write anything good in the morning pages. Usually it’s just gibberish, default phrases, and petty nonsense that makes me glad that my handwriting is illegible. But getting that stuff out of the way makes room for other things to come out, I think. Also it’s a good way to remember your dreams, if you like that sort of thing.

---A Happiness Book

Unitarians are big on gratitude journals, but keeping one made me feel unworthy and annoyed, so I switched over to making a list each day of 10 things that made me happy the day before. “Washing the dishes” shows up a surprising number of times.

---An Anxiety Book

I think I’ll write a whole post about this sometime, but suffice it to say, when it gets full, it goes RIGHT in the recycling.

---A little paisley notebook in my purse. It has some notes in it, sure, but mostly it’s full of drawings by my nieces and nephews and by the children of family friends. This makes me feel like a millionaire!

The Big Test

I'm not really myself the last few days--storm troopers of panic have been descending on my brain. I've been crying over dumb stuff and getting into dumb arguments. The Praxis is in 5 days. I'm all set for the reading and writing sections, but in math, I'm just on the cusp of getting enough points, and that is setting off why-am-I-so-stupid alarm bells in my head that make it hard to focus.

My math-tutor pal came over an helped last night, shined some light on geometry and probability, so that should help.

Being anxious like this makes me worry that I won't be able to be a good teacher, so things are having a tendency to snowball at the moment.

Off for a quick walk and then more studying, I guess.

Motivation Mondays! Playlist

So I've decided to make the "How to Stay Motivated" series into a regular feature.

Being a slacker at heart, I am pretty new to the idea of being motivated, so if you have some ideas, feel free to comment or you can email them to me at serotoninfactory@gmail.com

Here are some things that motivate me and keep away the Winter blahs (Besides a full spectrum light bulb.)

1. Spite
2. My cute cute students.
3. Knowing that life is finite and stuff.
4. Carrie Brownstein
5. My complicated feelings about Kanye West.
6. Too Beautiful to Live

This mix celebrates all of those things.


Walk Fast


1. Stronger--Kanye West
2. Catch My Disease--Ben Lee
3. Ready to Start--Arcade Fire
4. Dream of the 90s--Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen
5. Portland, Oregon (You're My Home)--Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen
6. F**k You--Cee-lo Green
7. I Can Change--LCD Soundsystem
8. Crooked Teeth--Death Cab for Cutie
9. Hurt Feelings--Flight of the Conchords
10. Hands in the Air--Girl Talk
11. Good Day--Nappy Roots
12. You Can Do It--Ice Cube
13. Tight Rope--Janelle Monae feat. Big Boi
14. Poker Face--Lady Gaga
15. Animal--Miike Snow
16. Dance Yrself Clean--LCD Soundsystem
17. Whip My Hair--Willow Smith
18. Touch the Sky--Kanye West


"Dance Yrself Clean" from Hung Low Films on Vimeo.

HOLY CRAP!

This afternoon, I registered for the PRAXIS, which is the big test you have to take to get into teaching programs.

I've been dithering about teacher stuff this week, but as soon as I pressed "send" I felt ELATED.

Feb 28. Pray for me if you're so inclined.

How to Stay Motivated, Part 4: Submit to The Legendary

Okay, so I'm partly writing this post to brag about having a couple of poems in The Legendary this month. (Both love poems to Memphis, where they are.)They're also nice enough to feature Poetic License Horoscopes every Saturday.

But you really should submit to them-- Jim and Katie are both supersweet and they have great taste. Also, if they don't pick you, you'll have another chance next month!

All bragginess aside, whenever I'm feeling bereft, sending a stack of poems out into the world always makes me feel better. Do it!

Motivated Part 3: The Apocalypse and Me

"How strange it is to be anything at all." -Neutral Milk Hotel

Over the weekend, I read Super Sad True Love Story by Gary Shteyngart, which is gorgeous, insightful, gut-excavating satire. I recommend it, but only if you can spare day or so’s recovery time afterwards- it’s hard to bounce back from.

(SPOILER ALERT)

Reading the fictional but plausible end of America In SSTLS made me think of my ongoing personal relationship with the end of the world. When I was a little kid in the Eighties, the Cold War was still going on and I was well versed in the principles of mutually assured destruction. Between 60 Minutes, commercials for The Day After, and doom-obsessed Eighties episodes of The Twilight Zone, I was full of fiery images and ready to pack it in at a moment’s notice.

When I was ten or so, I had a little red calico diary. I only remember one entry from it: “Last night I dreamed that the bomb was dropped. I went outside on the porch, and I breathed in the burning in the air.” The next paragraph begins, (With a sign, it seems.):

“And now back to my own small life.”

And that was the exactly right thing to do. My exaggerated sense of near-demise is, I think, what made me grow up so much in love with the world and with humans in particular. In the face of insurmountable whatever, your point of view is really all you have.

Here’s why I think expressing yourself is as important as whatever apocalypse is happening at the moment:

Being a particular human being on Earth seems to be a strange and unlikely miracle.I remember an Astronomy class at SU in which the professor broke down all of the planetary circumstances that had to align in order to create life at all, let alone humans, let alone Buffy episodes. I had a sense of that when I was little; in addition to laying awake counting the number of New Years Eves I have left, I used to think about how lucky and impossible it was to have been born, in this time, in this country, a girl who likes kittens, with a nice sister, etc. Think of all of the millions and billions of circumstances that had to conspire to place any of us here.

That’s why I think you are a miracle, and anything beautiful you say or make or DO is a miracle. That’s why I’ll always champion ANYONE’S unique point of view, not a genre, not a style, not ambition or fame, just the one and only example of you that will ever exist. I tell that to kids all the time, but I think grown-ups need to hear it, too.

How to Stay Motivated, Part 2: Vonnegut's Advice

Kurt Vonnegut said "We were put here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you any different." He was extolling the virtues of a writerly trip to the post office, but I think it applies to anything.

Any time you're following a curiosity, (even if, I hope, it's by rewatching Ally McBeal or Googling phrases that include the word "Kittens," )you're collecting up some stuff for your art. So you don't have to worry about being motivated, per se.

Just as long as you sometimes make some stuff.