March Checkmarks, Hopeful April Goals

Made-Up Leap Day Tradition/ Mmmmm, Fire.

I totally had this idea before I watched 30 Rock last night.  Last Leap Day, I decided to make an album in collaboration with my friend Gregg Yeti--we came up with The Suddenly Nervous.

This year on Leap Day, I will be getting my author photo done by a friend who is also a fire masseur. I'm still not exactly sure what that is but I REALLY look forward to finding out.

So I propose that  Leap Day is for pushing your personal envelope in as fun a way you can come up with. Good luck!

Consumerism and Self Worth

I've been thinking a lot lately about the ways in which consumerism erodes individual self worth. The Story of Stuff goes a long way towards illustrating some of them. That golden arrow just gives me the creeps.

Do I have to love the television a little less? Probably.

The Songs of Queer Karaoke Part 2

I'm not sure why you need to know my favorite songs from karaoke night, but you do!

The first one is the one I picked. You may have noticed I am obsessed with it lately. Because heartbreak's not over yet, but I'm enjoying not being dead-behind-the-eyes.

Triads and Quadrangles: Okay, So, Therapy.

Well, the last few months' adventures were rewarding in so many ways. I've come a long way since I started this, um, research project. But opening up my heart so much in the past few months brought sadness with it, too. I'm mourning the years that I've spend being afraid of men and wasting lots of time on fruitless crushes. I'm realizing that unless I deal with my teenage past, I'm going to cause myself a lot more pain. I've spent the past few months feeling like both a healthy dirty-thirties woman and a desperate teenager. I feel so grateful to the guys who were my first-a-lot-of-things-in-a-while, and I'm still sorry to have had to let them go. For the next few months, I plan to focus on spending as much time in the poly and kink communities, making friends and settling into my various new identities. I think it'll be fun. also, I'm going to watch a lot of TV with my wife, which is more happy-making than most things.

A few of you might remember that I started this blog the year before last after leaving therapy in a huff--I felt like it was impossible to find a therapist who wouldn't try to cure me with pills and/or monogamy. Today I had an intake appointment with a practice that seems different. Their policy is one of cultural competency, and the woman who did the intake made me feel like I wasn't being steered or judged. They'll match me with a therapist within a few weeks, so we'll see how it goes. It would be nice to have some support through the various transitions. The goals I gave were:
1. To not be afraid of men.
2. To be more confident and less anxious.

Isn't that always the dream.

Friday the 13th is Forgiveness Day

A while ago, I came up with this cornball idea that every Friday the 13th I would forgive myself and others and start the next day with a clean slate. That's a pretty big goal, but awesome, right?

So, there's some stuff that already happened that I will stop trying to rewrite. And chances are, it'll always mean a lot to me anyway.

Triads and Quadrangles: Updates and Resolutions

I’ve come past a lot of thresholds since I last did a poly update. I’m starting the year off loved, and liked, and heartbroken. I still have Amy, who, though she only likes me, is probably the best person I know at being in a polyamorous relationship. She listens to me so much, asks for what she needs, soothes my hurts, and roots for the guys as long as they seem worthy. I also have an excellent snuggle pal with whom I am working my way through all of the Joel episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

But last week things got really extra-ugly with someone I really liked, and I had to give him up, so I am now recovering from my first poly breakup-type-thing. (I’m writing about some of the details elsewhere, email me at serotoninfactory@gmail.com if you want to read them and I’ll tell you where.)

I’ve learned so much about myself in the past couple of months, and I wanted to commit it to writing before I move on to my next adventures.

1. I will admit to myself that I cannot separate physical affection from emotional affection, and I will act accordingly. I do not need to learn this lesson any more times. I will let myself look for and enjoy real relationships.
2. I will not compromise about communication. I need to feel free and unafraid to express my hopes, fears, needs, and wants, without being ignored or dismissed, and I only need folks who feel free to do the same.
3. I will learn the difference between NRE (new relationship energy) and someone who just drives me nuts. I can’t spend any more time on guys who frequently make me cry.
4. I will spend more time just hanging out with poly folks. This always makes me feel more safe, real, and lovable.
5. I will put myself on the calendar. I have come such a long way in such a short time, and I need the space and time to process it.
6. I will not waste (too much) time on crushes.
7. I will let myself be liked and loved, and treat myself lovingly, too.
8. I will leave my baggage behind. I am no longer afraid of men. I will be fine.
9. I will learn not to yammer quite so much to Amy about boys. I will do a better job of honoring her space and time.
10. I will not ignore warning signs as just me being distrustful. I am officially trustful, and I have a good intuition. I will listen to it.
11. I will only date guys who communicate well, are genuinely interested in me as a person, are respectful of my time and of Amy, are kind and friendly. Also, they have to have their own apartment—that will help me to be kinder to Amy’s space and my own.

Year-End Heart Inventory, 2011

Sheesh, I looked at last year’s heart-inventory, and I was surprised by how sad it was. Even if at the moment I’m a little blue from the 4 o’clock dark, I’m happy to report that this year was s a lot cheerier. The theme was learning curve, and I’ve still got a long way to go, but I am proud of the progress I’ve made.

1. I am really proud of my progress towards self-acceptance about being poly. I started of the year feeling like men would always be a mystery, and in some ways they still totally are (in other ways ways, I think maybe all I have to do is have boobs and occasionally stop talking) but at least I have found the courage to do some good research. I’m not sure where any of this is going, but I and so excited about how far I’ve come.

At my church, they do this thing where they give you a pretty stone to put into a bowl of water, supposed to represent adding your joy or sorrow to those of the community, I guess. Anyway, last Sunday I was holding the line up picking out three stones instead of one, and I turned to the guy behind me and said “Yep, I’m greedy.” In that moment, I felt like yeah, I’m okay, this is the way it is. I don’t have to feel worry or shame, and everything might actually work out. I don’t feel that way all the time—some days I still feel scared, rattled, not pretty enough. Sometimes being polyamorous just means more people to disappoint. But sometimes the light shines in, I’m just me, dudes are just dudes, and it’s all a miracle. I’m so grateful for the days that I feel like that.

2. Last summer, during my first few weeks as an online student for teacher certification, I felt like it was never gonna work out. It was too lonely, sitting there in front of the computer, the grey of the discussion boards, the sometimes-dryness of the subject matter was deadening. I wrote to my friend Shanny who’d been through the same thing and she said:

“I found my education classes, with one exception, to be horrible. Mind numbing. Terrible. I did not have a trick to getting through, I just went, and then complained to Roy a lot. But here is what I need you to do:

1. Do not panic, and do not make it personal. You and I have the tendency to turn situations that are horrible into situations that are horrible because "there must be something wrong with us." Nothing is wrong with you. These classes are horrible.

2. Remember that you cannot teach without them, and with them, you get to teach.

3. Go with the flow. Don't try to swim against the tide. You want to be there, and you've already done so much to get there. It is a sick joke that "there" is horrible and stupid and a big waste of money. But this is not where you are trying to land. Follow the stream. You will be great.”

I knew she was right, so I kept going. Real-life work with kids, long walks, and a LOT of music kept my soul going to the point where I am now starting to enjoy the classes and feeling like I can make it to teacherdom. On the days I go to school-visits or the days where the library kids and I do something particularly productive, I feel like this amazing new whole person who can do things. I hope that I can do justice to the rest of the teacher certification process, because I am starting to grasp what it might be like to actually have a classroom, and there’s absolutely nothing else as compelling.

3. This year, one of my biggest, dearest dreams came true: my manuscript was accepted for publication by Sibling Rivalry Press. One day while I was working at summer camp, Bryan Borland left a message on my voicemail, and when I called him back, he said, (in the most adorable Arkansas accent) that there was a problem with the manuscript. When I asked what that problem might be (all ready to change the heck out of it if necessary!) he said “It doesn’t have an SRP logo on it.” I squealed like a reality-song-competition-winner. He said that my manuscript “Touched him—sometimes in inappropriate places.”

So here I am this week, sending in the current draft, with a whole bunch added, to my superadorable queer press. I love them so much that when I sent my contract, I sent a mix CD with it. When we met Bryan and his husband a few months ago, we all knew we were friends for life.

My friends who’ve had books published keep telling me how painful the editing process will be, how much it’ll hurt when my beloved editor tells me things I have to change, and they might be right, but I know I’m in good hands. Also, this could be a case in which submissiveness might actually count as a life skill.

I still wonder how I am going to fit in a tour—school is so demanding that I may need a miracle, or at least a TARDIS.

4. Okay, this one’s not so fun: about giving up helping to run the Philadelphia Poetry Slam, one of the most painful things about this year. It still hurts that I felt so used about it, and that I had to walk away from people and a project that I did love. But at the same time, the experience has been liberating. I have spent more than ten years trying so hard to be a part of the national Slam community, to varying degrees of success. I’m so proud of everything I’ve written and performed and especially of the amazing connections I have made. Some of my poetry friends may very well be in my life for the rest of ever.

BUT there was something so draining about having to try so hard to be a part of things, to be remembered, to count. Part of the reason that I hung onto the Philly Slam longer than I should’ve is because I thought, if I didn’t have it, my friends wouldn’t want to come visit me. That fear kind of came true: a few weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night realizing that a good friend of ours was in town and we hadn’t made arrangements to hang out. I was progressing busily with other things, but it still stung. I miss the poetry and the company, but I don’t miss the vulnerability, the desperation I felt trying to keep a bedraggled team on task, trying to wrangle a fuckwad slammaster into giving me truthful answers, trying to make people love me.

5. May 2012 be a year of not trying to make anyone love me.

6. I am grateful every day for Amy and my beautiful, safe, wonderful home. Every morning when she hits the snooze-alarm a million times so that we can snuggle, every Friday night that we spend at the grocery store, every time I come home from church and find her finishing up an episode of Sanctuary, every best-pal conversation (Even when my yammering drives her crazy!) every time we are driving somewhere listening to podcasts, every time it’s hard to drag ourselves out of the house because we just want to stay home, every single thing about Amy makes me so very grateful to have her. I hope that I can continue to be someone she wants around, someone who most-of-the-time makes her happy.

7. Projects that were/are awesome: my perfect job at the library, Friday Love Poems, my poetry-lady job at Allen’s Lane Art Camp, etc, etc.

8. Besides Shanny, there have been some friends who have gone above and beyond the call of friendship to help met get where I needed to go. I’m superglad that I have my various two-person support groups, and I’m sure I’ll need more, so be ready!

Mostly I’m ending this year feeling like a lucky, greedy brat who has so much of everything. I guess what I have to say is, dear 2012, let it last.

Triads and Quadrangles: Six Epiphanies/Resolutions

“You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

 love what it loves.” (Mary Oliver, Wild Geese)

Last week, I was worrying over my poly learning curve: sorry boys, it can’t’ve been flattering to be compared to Intermediate Algebra, even if I do kinda like math these days. I thought that since I keep re-having the same epiphanies, I’d turn them into resolutions.

1. This whole endeavor would be a lot easier if I could stop trying to prove to myself that I am lovable. Empirical evidence suggests that I am, and that really should be that. (Easier epiphanied than done, of course, but I’ll give it a whirl.)
2. So far, the best gift of polyamory is the way that it has expanded my definition of friendship and brought me closer to my platonic pals—I feel so lucky to have so MANY people on whom to lavish affection.
3. There’s nothing wrong or embarrassing about being crushy. I don’t know why I keep thinking there is. I think I just need to dance around to “Your Love Is My Drug” some more and keep embracing my inner Ke$ha.
4. I’m pretty comfortable with the amount of attention I like (some to a lot) so I am going to stop calling myself needy. Not everyone can pay that much attention, and that’s okay, too. That’s why they invented other people.
5. I will remember that this isn’t monogamy, so I don’t need one person to provide everything. That’s taken a lot of pressure off of my relationship with Amy, and it should take the pressure off my boy-wishes, too. Even though it’s sometimes frustrating, I do like practicing my grey-areas.
6. It’s possible that I am an over-asker, but I would rather ask a lot of questions than worry or make assumptions. The one time I didn’t ask a question, things went pretty askew, so I intend to keep asking.

And here are the Pixies with a vote of confidence:

Birthday Wishes and Heart Inventory

Well, my birthday isn’t for a few more days, but it’s nice to have an excuse to post this picture of my new tiara, which I earned by not crying (in a bad way, at least) while working stage left during the camp musical. My wishes are kind of always the same.

1. This is always my first wish: that Amy would find a good, fulfilling, well-paying job close to home. Since I’m wishing, let’s say within one token’s travel. This week is her busy week so she’s getting home even later than usual, and it’s really lonely. Every once in a while, I’m like, “Oh yeah, we forgot to get you a job closer to home!” Supersigh.
2. And while I am sighing, the one wish I can’t really work towards, my good old secret/not-so-secret wish: that the waiting extra space in my heart gets filled up with someone or someones.
3. For a productive and happy year of grad school, fulfilling all of my requirements and writing all the papers to get to certified teacherhood.
4. That For the Comfort of Automated Phrases has a happy editing process, (and why shouldn’t it be, since Sibling Rivalry Press is absolutely darling.) and that I get to tour a whole bunch when it comes out, and catch up with lots of friends, and get lots of hugs.
5. It’s going to be such a homeworky year, so I wish for all of the work not to take me too far away from my poet self—I hope to find good little ways to stay sparky and inspired every day. Send songs.
6. Confidential to heartbreak—can I please get over that thing I’m not over?  It really. Shouldn’t. Be. Such. A. Big. Deal.

I can honestly say that I’ve come a long way since last year. This time last September, I was really lost. I felt isolated and alienated. The grief left over from my AmeriCorps service didn’t seem like it would ever lift, and I had trouble with getting close to any friends besides Amy.

A few things (besides this often ironically-named blog) help me to pull out of the grief: I love my job in the library’s after school program, two favorite friends came to live in Philly for the year, and my re-coming-out as queer and poly made me feel a lot more like myself. And, miracle of miracles, this was the year my manuscript was accepted.

All in all, I think I’m just the luckiest. Thanks a jillion to all of the friends, loves, and readers who made it such a nice year. I am so so glad to know you. 

Motivation Mondays: Optimism Runs in the Family!

Okay, first of all, my nephew Holden is working on a series of pictures of happy faces doing things. Here they are reading a book about happiness. 

And here's an essay my brother, Ed Wiedmann wrote as a guest-motivator. He didn't give it a title, so I'll call it


Your Brain Doesn't Want You to Think it Gets Better


You are a mean, unforgiving person. It's okay, though, because so am I.

Years back, my sister Jane painted me a picture, and across the top of that picture were the words “Happiness can only be a transitory experience”, individually cut out and glued to the canvas. In a display of poetic foreshadowing, arranging and transporting the painting had left it saying “Happiness can be transitory”, soon followed by it becoming a wordless painting.

Somewhat unfortunately, this is truly the case, at least for the happiness brought on by individual events. A few weeks ago, one of my stunningly beautiful friends paid me a very flattering compliment. I was beaming, on top of the world. Thinking of it now brings back some of that feeling, but for the most part I am back to my normal level of happiness. We obviously can't ride that high forever because then we'd have no new feelings of joy, progress, and success. I, for one, am okay with going out to get more happiness.

Last week I had the pleasure of being surrounded by many of my favorite people in the world; my family. We had 4 generations of thinkers and you can bet there were some great conversations. Jane and I were discussing happiness along with some other members of the family. We discussed how sometimes you have to work for happiness (The Happiness Project) and I, of course, started blabbing about serotonin and dopamine, my two favorite neurotransmitters (What are yours?).

Now comes the part where we're all mean people. You see, as wonderful and enjoyable the bursts of dopamine and serotonin are, a deficit of either of them is less than pleasant. The feeling of dread we get from failure or social rejection can go so far as being physically painful and emotionally crippling. During our temporary bouts of happiness, we rarely tell ourselves that the feeling will last forever, since we know better. However, if the mistake is big enough or the rejection is deep enough, our brains will make us feel like nothing is ever going to get better. Now this may be our mind's way of making sure we don't make the same mistake again, but some people unfortunately never make it past that point. 

As Jane and I discussed this, I let her in on a little secret passed on to me by Dr. Eric Cooper (Iowa State University), my favorite psychology professor ever. On our closing day of Evolutionary Psychology class, Dr. Cooper shared with us his secrets to happiness. Stay tuned for the list, but for right now I will just share the gem that I told to Jane that day, a secret that has been out in the open all along: Things will always get better. Always. Do not let your brain tell you that they won't. Do not be unforgiving to yourself, and do not be mean.

When I mentioned this to Jane and she happily agreed, our grandmother joined in on the conversation with a succinct summary of everything we had said: “This too shall pass.”

Happiness Project Wrap-Up

Happiness Project Wrap-Up

Ten Ways in Which Things Have Improved Since I Started The Happiness Project

1. I’ve spent almost every day at work this school year feeling happy, safe, useful, and inspired. Last year when I left the scary job I would have never thought that was possible.
2. For some reason, I never felt entitled to a role in the LGBTQ community. Through a potent and (mostly) proactive combination of research and love, I’ve found new ways to be at home. Philadelphia is a great place to be queer.
3. I’ve gotten more publication and performance credits this year than any other year since I started writing poetry. This is due to resolutions, yes, but also because of some new and deepened poetry friendships. Being less lonely ftw, even if I still have a ways to go.
4. Panic, anxiety, and social stress have been reduced by about 90%. Last spring, I didn’t feel like I deserved to walk into any given room, to be part of any given group, but so much of that has healed. I have to thank the friends who patiented me back into society.
5. I’m FINALLY starting to realize that I don’t have to give up Amy in order to pursue other kinds of love. And also I’ve already got a MILLION other kinds of love anyway.
6. It’s hit home that I have a different kind of heart. I’m glad of this, even in the midst of heartache.
7. A lot of the arbitrary limits I’d placed on myself because of depression and grief and fear are dissolving or dissolved.
8. I’m feeling more okay with being supersensitive, and I’m sometimes even able to bounce back quicker.
9. I’ve come so far when it comes to trusting guys. I have. I do. And even at the times when I’ve felt disappointed or let down, I’m still alive, still safe, and that really counts for something. Crowns and riches to the brave guys who helped get me there.
10. Most importantly: During the thick of depression, I hated my voice. A few weeks ago, a lady at church said that my singing voice is beautiful, that she was following me whenever she didn’t know the words. Whenever I get really sad, driving and singing almost always pulls me out of it. Sometimes when iTunes shuffles in my own CD, I let it play.

May Resolutions Check-In

Virgo it up.

Even though I don’t believe in astrology, I do like the idea of myself having Virgo traits: practicality, fidelity, fruitfulness, etc.

Though I’ve been decidedly un-Virgolike in some alarming new ways this month, I’ve come to especially appreciate the fidelity between me and Amy. I love how honest we are with each other, even though she might sometimes enjoy having a little less information. I trust her to be there for me whenever I need help, and she does the same. I never want to take that for granted or stop showering her with ridiculous affection.

Sit outside more.

Yes. Sitting outside always makes things seem brighter and clearer. Amy and I made a regular date to go sit in this cute little park every Wednesday evening. It’s one of the things I look forward to most about this summer.

Be Less Abstracted.

I’m just going to have to forgive myself for abstraction. I’m going through some scary transitions tight now and I feel overwhelmed by them. Who knows how I will make it through my teacher certification program, how I’ll handle the summer schedule, how I’ll find time to care for my writing life or my love life. In the span of two months, I found and (maybe permanently) lost a love/friend and I have a lot to grieve and process about that. So if I need to space out in front of Tetris or over-check my email or be really up to date on everyone’s statuses or redo my entire iPod, maybe I’ll just go ahead and cut myself a break about it.

Find a good summer job and get my class schedule settled.

Check.

Make some more art.

Yes! Of course! I may even have a show coming up! Hooray!

Motivation Mondays: A Year in Resolutions!

It’s a pleasant start to summer here in the Lawson-Cassady household. We got back last night from a very restorative family visit. As soon as I post this I’m getting back into bed with sweetie and Steve Martin’s new art novel, An Object of Beauty. Later I’ll plant morning glories.

Tomorrow will be the end of my yearlong experiment with The Happiness Project. (I’ll try to have more to say about it tomorrow.) My brother, a psychology major (and soon to be guest-motivator!) says that the only way to be truly happy is to feel like you’re making progress, and I’d agree, given the practical, virtuous nature of most of these resolutions.

Following these resolutions really did pull me out of a depression. I rewrote some of the month-specific ones so they’d work any time:

Virgo it up.

 

Sit outside more.

Be less abstracted.

Make some more art.

Work hard.

Write a lot of poems.

Get on more stages.

Do more things that are just about art.

Be brazen.

More silence.

Send out the manuscript.

Get less lonely.

Apply for stuff.

Bring photos into the physical realm.

Cut down on screen time.

Branch out.

Practice trust.

Get pretty drink sometimes.

Move life forward.

Evening walks with Amy.

Avoid emotional eating, emotional internet-checking, etc.

Submit and query.

Get good grades.

Do yoga.

Dance more.

Embrace imperfection.

Walk in the woods.

Buy less.

Make meals that involve steps.

Follow curiosity more avidly.

Write, write, write, write, write. Write a mountain.

Strength training.

Practice the gift of spousal silence.

Get some money and take care of it.

Make friends with first and second gear.

Be more out in lots of ways.

Make myself at home.

Music, music, music, music, music!

Recognize, accept, and believe love.

Practice writing about difficult things.

Sit in cafes with stacks of books.

Be less aloof from the divine and more out about my religious side.

Wake up early on weekdays, late on weekends.

Walk in the morning, swim in the afternoon.

Show love.

May Resolutions

Yay, another new painting! A new medium for a new month, oil pastels and watercolors. (That, and the ever-present medium of sublimation…) I painted it during an episode of Iron Chef in which the secret ingredient was wreckfish, a very poetic fish so named because they live in shipwrecks. You can’t make this stuff up.

Anyway, so, resolutions:

1. Virgo it up. I don’t believe in astrology, but I do like some of the traits I’m supposed to have: dependable, organized, grounded, productive…we’ll see!

2. Sit outside more.

3. Be less abstracted. My daydreaming has gotten away from me a little…

4. Find a good summer job and get my class schedule settled. (More about that tomorrow.)

5. Make some more art. Easy.

April Resolutions Check-In

1. Write 30 Poems
Done. Best April ever. I'll try to say more about that for Motivation Monday. :)

2. Get on more stages
Well, let's see, I read at my own venue, in an anarchist bookstore, at an art gallery, at Kelly Writer's House, and tonight I'm in the Philly Slam Semifinals. Resolution #2 FTW.

3. Do more things that are just about art.
As I spent most of the month doing nothing but obsess about poems, even when I was at work, even when I was in math class, and my favorite of my 30/30 poems has Duchamps in it, I'd say this was successful. Plus, I've decided to take up my old hobby of collecting romantic art history facts.


4. Secret resolution, continued.
The secret resolution started out specific a few moths ago, but it has evolved into sort of a nebulous thing about being more brazen. I think I can safely say I've done it, especially since I've overcome my fear of sending love  poems to people. 


May will be the last month of The Happiness Project, so I'd better make the resolutions good!

April Resolutions

1. Write 30 Poems

2. Get on more stages

3. Do more things that are just about art.

4. Secret resolution, continued.

March Resolutions Check-In (With a Song for Philly)

1. Secret Resolution Cont’d

 Could always be better, but I’m giving myself a blue butterfly for effort.

2. More silence

 This is the hardest one ever, but the times I manage it, when I’m just sitting in a chair doodling or going for a walk without headphones or managing not to check the internet, it feels so good. Time stretches out and I feel worthwhile. I feel full of possibilities. Then I get sick of my own thoughts and put the music back on.

3. Get the new version of the manuscript finished and out into the world, even though I’m scared to.

I did get For the Comfort of Automated Phrases to a good stopping point—it felt so good the day that it gelled into something coherent, when I figured out the (kind of sad) story the poems were trying to tell. But the getting it out into the world part is slow going. I’ve been researching presses and ordering books from the ones that might work, formulating thoughtful things to say in cover letters, but I’ve yet to send the new version to anyone but friends. I guess it’s just a long process, but I also feel blocked about it. I’ve wanted a book with a spine for so long that it just seems impossible.

4. Do more things that are just about art.

Dear Resolution #4--Welcome to being an April resolution, since I forgot about you.

5. Get less lonely.

So much good came out of this one, especially getting myself out of hibernation. My favorite part was deciding to be less shy about reading around Philly. Last summer, our venue really let down some of the stars of the Philly scene, and I’ve been shy about visiting them ever since. But as soon as I started fighting that shyness, I realized that there’s nothing but love and welcome around town. Thanks Philly, I heart you.

Here’s a song that also reminds me of how much I love Philly:

On This Day Last Year

On this day last year, I left my second AmeriCorps term early, due to a hostile work environment and a can’t-get-out-of-bed depression.

It was a gorgeous, warm day and XPN was playing all of these really soothing songs about transition. I went in before anybody was in the office yet. Amy kept the car running while I gathered up my bins and some supplies.

I left a note that said “I’m sorry. But I have to get myself healthy or I won’t be able to help anyone.”

You can read the whole story starting here, but you certainly don’t have to.

Here are some things that have changed since last year:

1.I no longer hate the sound of my own voice. Sometimes I even like it.

2. I’m even more committed to fighting racism, sexism, and homophobia, especially the ways in which those things interfere with the happiness and safety of African American kids. (Well, all kids. But especially.)

3. I don’t feel quite so guilty about being smitten with people sometimes, even though that co-worker aimed that car at me that time.

4. I don’t feel like I have to work quite so hard to prove that I’m not evil.

5. That poet guy who told me once that I don’t have a right to an opinion about hip-hop? Can suck it. And so can anyone who tries to tell anyone they don’t deserve to have a voice.

I’m so grateful for almost everything that has happened since that devastating/liberating last day. So many thanks to everyone who helped bring me back to life.

March Resolutions

Resolution 1: Secret Resolution cont’d.

Resolution 2: More silence.

Resolution 3: Get the new version of the manuscript finished and out into the world, even though I’m scared to.

Resolution 4: Do more things that are just about art.

Resolution 5: Get less lonely. (I have no idea.)