(Early) Friday Love Poem: Shappy Seasholtz!

OMG Shappy is one of my very favorite people in the universe. As you well know. 


And in case you can't tell, this is a picture of him laying down some phat beets.


ON TAKING A LOVER

When taking a lover, one must proceed with caution.
One mustn't dilly dally like a flim flam man
or titter willy nilly like a precocious school girl
with a daisy in her knickers!

When taking a lover one must pay close attention to ones toenails.
Save the clippings until you have enough to fashion some sort of
toenail sculpture to present to your lover for your four month anniversary.
This is a common practice among lovers in Bavaria and Wichita Falls.

Do not take your Lover to see The Blair Witch Project or The Blair Witch Project
2 or Hellraiser 3 or Friday The Thirteenth in 3-D or Paranormal Activity.

These films will most certainly upset your lover's delicate constitution.
Instead, take your lover to see The Other Sister in which Juliette Lewis
plays a retarded person who falls in love.

When procuring licorice for your lover, please make sure you get red Twizzlers.
If your lover refuses the Twizzlers, this means your lover will never share a
Barq's Root Beer with you on a sweltering, summer day.
Also, your lover may not be so keen on oral sex or religious sects.

When making love with your lover make sure to whisper the lyrics to the Mary
Tyler Moore theme into their left ear.
If this fails to entice your lover, then try humming the theme to Law & Order :
Criminal Intent.

Be sure to have something to nosh on for the post-coital period. I suggest
Flamin' Hot Cheetos but if you are feeling particularly randy-FUNYONS!

If your lover feels the need to continually tell you that you smell of cat piss,
rest assured, what your lover truly means is that they wish to take you to a
Dave & Buster's or a Hannah Montana concert.

If your lover makes a pizza for you out of Play-Doh, it is your duty, as a
lover, to pretend to take a bite out of it and make nummy sounds.

Make sure your lover wears their American flag pin on their left lapel. This
will ensure that your lover will kiss your right cheek while riding the
Tilt-A-Whirl.

If your lover throws two red Legos at you during a discussion about German dwarf
porn, give your lover some Pop Rocks and a Coke Zero. Make sure this takes place
near a heated swimming pool in case of bloating.

Most importantly, when taking a lover, make sure to dry hump to classical music
or Sammy Hagar's first album.

Lovers are totes awesome. Plus, they love you and stuff. For REAL!

Motivation Mondays: What to Get (Inspired by...Shappy!)

(Pssst: If you feel like you'd like a writing prompt for motivation, go visit my post on Radius--Made Up Forms: The Cut-Up Pop Song, after this, of course. )

“If you see something you love, you’ve just gotta get it, and eat it.” –Shappy Seasholtz

I would first like to mention that the same Shappy Seasholtz bought me a bag of caramel creams yesterday, because he knows they remind me of racial harmony. I was so touched that I got a tiny bit choked up, but then again, I was a little sleep deprived.

Anyway, though maybe I don’t always need to follow his advice when it comes to pie, it’s good writing advice.

The trick, though, is figuring out how to discern which things you REALLY love, which aspects of your goals are the most important ways to spend your finite time. I’m an urgent girl, so it seems really important to figure these things out.

There have been parts of poetry that I’ve always felt guilty about not doing. I’ve always felt bad that I haven’t tried harder to compete in slams, but I’m delighted to say I’m ready to let that guilt go. As much as I will never support the arbitrary and false division between page and stage, I feel much more comfortable and happy competing for publication than for points. (And of course I so much admire people who are wholehearted at both!)  And of course, having said that, I’m still going to try and get on my own venue’s team.

There’s a difference, though, between neglecting to do things because they aren’t priorities and avoiding things out of fear. There are a few things that are very important to me that I’ve avoided for years, waiting until it feels safe, I guess, but that avoidance is starting to make me feel stunted and repressed. (And, since I’m always encouraging everyone else to be honest and expressive, a little bit hypocritical.)  Admitting that those goals and desires are real and important seems like a good first step towards pushing past the fears and ignoring all of the prohibitive voices that have built up over the years. (My pal Cristen calls these my “anxiety terrorists.”)

So how can we move our own boundaries and dismantle the arbitrary limits we’ve placed on ourselves? All that from a quote about pie.


Mumford and Sons - Awake My Soul from Thomas Henley on Vimeo.

Poetic License Horoscope for Feb 25-March 3 (With nerdtastic video.)

Poetic License Horoscope for February 25-March 3

***The video is courtesy of Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz, whose laugh should be on every recording.

***This week’s horoscope is in celebration of Shappy Seasholtz’s birthday and Spoken Nerd Revolution book release! You can come celebrate Shappy and read your own poetry tonight, Friday, Feb 25 at the Philly Poetry Slam. (InFusion Coffee and Tea, 7133 Germantown Ave. doors at 7:30, reading starts at 8:30)

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): To the Pisces drunk-texting me while playing a sorceress in Dungeons and Dragons: In his very enjoyable book Zombie Spaceship Wasteland, Patton Oswalt says “If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness.”

Aries (March 21-April 18): I’ve been rereading the Little House on the Prairie series lately, and it is AMAZING. Sometimes they play in a haystack for a whole chapter! As Pa said to Half Pint as they were settling in at their Plum Creek home: "We must do the best we can, Laura, and not grumble. What must be done is best done cheerfully. And someday we will have horses again.” And you will!

Taurus (April 19-May 18): Concerning ships that made the Kessel Run, time trials of: a parsec is not a unit of time, but of distance. Measure the parallax between you and language, the distance between you and your favored star. Close one eye, and open the other.


Gemini (May 19-June 21): In Stand by Me, Gordie Lachance wakes up earlier than his friends and wanders back onto the tracks they’ve been following. He has a very meaningful moment meeting the eyes of a deer as it’s crossing the tracks. He decides not to tell his friends about it. You can do this too: keep glimpses and treasure them to yourself.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): Once you notice a pattern, it’s hard to un-notice. For instance, I may need to stop watching The Big Bang Theory because I’ve noticed that their laugh track goes off most often in response to guys showing affection for each other. Humans notice patterns as a means of survival, though, so I guess I’ll go with it.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Here are some things that my wife says are not nerdy: Lolcats, 30 Rock, Patton Oswalt, the 1990s. She says that the mere fact of me liking something does not make it nerdy. I’m not even sure what the difference is between nerds and geeks! Are Venn Diagrams nerdy?

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): According to Star Wars According to a Three Year Old, “The shiny guy always worries.” You can relate to that, right, Virgo?  This week, ignore your inner protocol droid and venture out across Tatooine, with no concern for the sand working its way into your metal joints.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): If you’re Jesse Eisenberg, you’re more Adventureland than The Social Network. If you’re Michael Cera, you’re more Scott Pilgrim than George Michael Bluth. And you sure do deserve to get the girl. And the coins.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Nobody can really understand what was supposed to be so great about Cho Chang, unless it was just her pretty face and her Quiddich skills. Everybody knows that Hermoine was the real dreamboat of Hogwarts, especially after she went renegade and (GASP!) stopped returning library books.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): (Paraphrased from my Praxis prep book.) In this Venn Diagram, what does the shaded part represent: A. All rhombuses B. All parallelograms C. All kites D. All love letters you’ve sent out with hopes of reply that will pay off dividends soon, we promise. (Answer: D, of course.)

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Like Leslie Knope with the words to “Poker Face” stuck in her head because she was out all night dancing at the gay bar after she became a town hero for unintentionally marrying two male penguins, you have a lot to celebrate.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Don’t worry, Liz Lemon. There’s no reason to put on the fanny pack, to stop brushing your hair, to get a cat named Emily Dickinson (Oh no, a hawk got her!) Anyone and everyone would create elaborate subterfuge, just to buoy your spirits.

Poetic License Horoscopes is a free syndicated series which appears weekly on such lit blogs as The Serotonin Factory, Critical Mass  and The Legendary If you are interested in adding the Poetic License Horoscopes to your lit journal / lit blog, please email me at serotoninfactory@gmail.com.

Song of the Week (Plus a Shappy Poem!): Belated Grammy Edition

Way back when it was the Grammys, I was real headachey toward the end from studying in front of the TV/thinking too much about Eminem/Rhianna/spousal abuse. So after I saw Arcade Fire to Month of May, I crabbily went to bed. And missed this. Thanks to Hannah McDonald for providing the link.



Meanwhile, my pal Shappy was having a surprising and very, very DIFFERENT Grammys experience. I had hoped the ubiquitousness of Bieber would never reach this blog (Remember, like, a YEAR ago, when you'd never heard of him?) but this is just how much I heart Shappy. I'm assured that this poem is totally sincere.

And I believe it.

I'M A BELIEBER
by Shappy Seasholtz.
This Just In!
I've got Bieber Fever!
I never want to get better!
I'm like baby, baby, baby hit me up on the Twitter!
Cuz I'll never be bitter
As long as you're clever
I'll never say never!

Justin you are so real
You should be in 4-D!
You are the best new artist
Even without a Grammy!

Your bangs are so dreamy
Any one can plainly see
OMG! You just got a haircut!
OMG! OMG! OMG!
At least you didn't pull a Britney Shears
And have a breakdown on the TMZ!

I can't believe someone shot you
On that episode of CSI
And when I heard you were dating Selena Gomez
It made me want to cry!

No one woman should have you, JB!
You belong to all of your fans!
And even though you're from Canada
I believe that you are A MERRY CAN!

A can I can put my secrets in
A can that I know I can trust
A bright shiny can, as bright as your eyes
A can that I know will not rust!

I can visit you each day on the You Tube
You're most viewed, most discussed, most disliked.
JB, to me you're Just Beautiful
And your music just gets me all psyched!