Poetic License Horoscope for May 20-26

Gemini (May 19-June 21): Happy birthday-month, Gemini! This summer, you’ll have everything: fireworks, bright beach days, those Fourth of July cakes with blueberries for stars and strawberries for stripes—everything, and it’ll be the sweetest!


Cancer (June 22-July 23): You life is a celebration of edits and submissions. Proofread carefully. Make sure that even your status updates are grammatically correct. Feel free, though, to be immoderate in your use of 
exclamation points.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): “When Christo and I met, he was an artist and I was not. I became an artist only out of love for Christo, and if he had been a dentist, I would have become a dentist.” (Jeanne-Claude) Your love is as generous as The Gates, so big it could wrap up the Reichstag.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): When Edie Sedgwick and Andy Warhol had a show at the Philadelphia Institute of Contemporary Art, the crowd overwhelmed them so much that they got trapped on a staircase, until they were finally allowed to axe a hole in the ceiling and get out that way. While they’re trapped, “Soup cans, paper bags, and various objects are passed up to the pair; Edie happily signs them “Andy Warhol.” You are not Edie Sedgwick. You’re not trapped, and you can only ever sign your own name.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): “My lifetime listens to yours.” (Muriel Rukeyser) Take the names of all your friends and write them on the backs of fortune cookie slips, right above the lucky numbers. Place bets on those numbers and win.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Treat yourself to a singalong of all the beltiest songs, Glee versions if you can stand it, preferably while driving someplace fast and new. Sing with your whole face, no matter how you feel.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): The stars see dancing in your future. You are surrounded by pretty strangers of indeterminate gender. Everyone’s singing along so loud that you’ll leave with your ears ringing.  When the hum subsides, you’ll know what to do.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): You are at the Louvre, taking bootleg pictures of everything. If it’s not too much trouble, could you bring me back the Nike of Samothrace? She’s my favorite work of art, and I’ve never seen her. There’s no law against travelling with monuments, is there?

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Thank you for your generous stories of complicated love, you make the stars believe it. Wishing you soft beds, endless Free Comic Book Days, cute pictures in your phone, and the miracle of undivided attention. You deserve it.


Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Thank you for being as sentimental as Weezer’s cover of Unbreak My Heart, which is the perfect thing to belt out on a heartbroken but ecstatic turnpike, while driving just a little too fast.


Aries (March 21-April 18): Like Leslie Knope, you might be torn between the desire to follow the rules and the desire to make out with your adorable coworker. Always err on the side of smooching.


Taurus (April 19-May 18): In her memoir Bossypants, Tina Fey tells a story wherein Jimmy Fallon was trying to shush Amy Poeler from telling a lewd joke. “Stop that! It’s not cute!” he said. “Amy dropped what she was doing, went black in the eyes for a second, and wheeled around to him. “I don’t fucking care if you like it.” The stars encourage you to react in the same way towards any and all naysayers.

Poetic License Horoscopes is a free syndicated series which appears weekly on such lit blogs as The Serotonin Factory, Critical Mass , The Legendary  and Apiary  If you are interested in adding the Poetic License Horoscopes to your lit journal / lit blog, please email me at serotoninfactory@gmail.com.

Poetic License Horoscope for Feb 25-March 3 (With nerdtastic video.)

Poetic License Horoscope for February 25-March 3

***The video is courtesy of Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz, whose laugh should be on every recording.

***This week’s horoscope is in celebration of Shappy Seasholtz’s birthday and Spoken Nerd Revolution book release! You can come celebrate Shappy and read your own poetry tonight, Friday, Feb 25 at the Philly Poetry Slam. (InFusion Coffee and Tea, 7133 Germantown Ave. doors at 7:30, reading starts at 8:30)

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): To the Pisces drunk-texting me while playing a sorceress in Dungeons and Dragons: In his very enjoyable book Zombie Spaceship Wasteland, Patton Oswalt says “If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness.”

Aries (March 21-April 18): I’ve been rereading the Little House on the Prairie series lately, and it is AMAZING. Sometimes they play in a haystack for a whole chapter! As Pa said to Half Pint as they were settling in at their Plum Creek home: "We must do the best we can, Laura, and not grumble. What must be done is best done cheerfully. And someday we will have horses again.” And you will!

Taurus (April 19-May 18): Concerning ships that made the Kessel Run, time trials of: a parsec is not a unit of time, but of distance. Measure the parallax between you and language, the distance between you and your favored star. Close one eye, and open the other.


Gemini (May 19-June 21): In Stand by Me, Gordie Lachance wakes up earlier than his friends and wanders back onto the tracks they’ve been following. He has a very meaningful moment meeting the eyes of a deer as it’s crossing the tracks. He decides not to tell his friends about it. You can do this too: keep glimpses and treasure them to yourself.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): Once you notice a pattern, it’s hard to un-notice. For instance, I may need to stop watching The Big Bang Theory because I’ve noticed that their laugh track goes off most often in response to guys showing affection for each other. Humans notice patterns as a means of survival, though, so I guess I’ll go with it.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Here are some things that my wife says are not nerdy: Lolcats, 30 Rock, Patton Oswalt, the 1990s. She says that the mere fact of me liking something does not make it nerdy. I’m not even sure what the difference is between nerds and geeks! Are Venn Diagrams nerdy?

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): According to Star Wars According to a Three Year Old, “The shiny guy always worries.” You can relate to that, right, Virgo?  This week, ignore your inner protocol droid and venture out across Tatooine, with no concern for the sand working its way into your metal joints.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): If you’re Jesse Eisenberg, you’re more Adventureland than The Social Network. If you’re Michael Cera, you’re more Scott Pilgrim than George Michael Bluth. And you sure do deserve to get the girl. And the coins.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Nobody can really understand what was supposed to be so great about Cho Chang, unless it was just her pretty face and her Quiddich skills. Everybody knows that Hermoine was the real dreamboat of Hogwarts, especially after she went renegade and (GASP!) stopped returning library books.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): (Paraphrased from my Praxis prep book.) In this Venn Diagram, what does the shaded part represent: A. All rhombuses B. All parallelograms C. All kites D. All love letters you’ve sent out with hopes of reply that will pay off dividends soon, we promise. (Answer: D, of course.)

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Like Leslie Knope with the words to “Poker Face” stuck in her head because she was out all night dancing at the gay bar after she became a town hero for unintentionally marrying two male penguins, you have a lot to celebrate.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Don’t worry, Liz Lemon. There’s no reason to put on the fanny pack, to stop brushing your hair, to get a cat named Emily Dickinson (Oh no, a hawk got her!) Anyone and everyone would create elaborate subterfuge, just to buoy your spirits.

Poetic License Horoscopes is a free syndicated series which appears weekly on such lit blogs as The Serotonin Factory, Critical Mass  and The Legendary If you are interested in adding the Poetic License Horoscopes to your lit journal / lit blog, please email me at serotoninfactory@gmail.com.

Poetic License Horoscope for Feb 4-10 (Plus a song)

Poetic License Horoscope for February 4-10

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Sam Teitel says: “I just gotta get back on the horse/ even if I know the horse has rabies/ and hates me personally,” but I disagree. Sometimes the best thing to do is to stay dismounted.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): On last week’s Parks and Recreation, Leslie Knope pulled off a brilliant speech on behalf of her Harvest Festival, in spite of the fact that she was totally zonked out on flu medication. There’s no reason to be quite so heroic, but just know you’re capable of it.

Aries (March 21-April 18): Since Nineties nostalgia is all the rage, watch or rewatch episodes of The State. If you’re an X-er like me, you’ll remember such catchphrases as “Two hundred. And forty dollars. Worth of pudding.” and “I love you, toothbrush! Let’s run around and do things set to popular music!”

Taurus (April 19-May 18): "We're gonna have a good day/and all my homies gonna ride today/and all these mommies look fly today and all we wanna do is get by today/hey, we're gonna have a good day/and ain't nobody gotta cry today/cause ain't nobody gonna die today/save that drama for another day." is a really good run-on sentence by Nappy Roots.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): Learn some new Scrabble words, even if it’s just by typing made-up combinations of letters into the dictionary. Or just work on memorizing your two letter words. As we saw on The Office: ‎"K. A. Ka? What does ka mean?" "It means you're playing someone who is going to destroy you."


Cancer (June 22-July 23): “She told me she'd love me like fireworks/ and that's the way I like it, ”says Ben Lee. Explode with devotion, leaving streaks across the sky and ashes in the air. You remind me of summer.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): My wife’s phone does not flip shut. Consequently, she butt-dials me at least twice a day, sometimes interrupting math class with her Katy Perry I Kissed a Girl ringtone. I check every message, even if I am pretty sure it’s just her pants again.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): On the most swoondrogynous Portlandia sketch yet, the overuse of a safeword drives a wedge into a couple’s intimacy. The stars think there’s a lesson in there somewhere, and feel compelled to tell you their safeword is “marshmallow.”

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Still haven’t taken down the Christmas lights? That’s okay, there’s still plenty to celebrate: Olivia Munn has a sitcom that’s kind of okay! The Mountain Goats are on tour soon! The word “swoondrogynous” was recently invented! (See: Virgo.)

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22):  Like Iron Chef José Garces,(of Philadelphia!) you really know your way around a passion fruit, and you know you’re more likely to win if you serve the judges mojitos. Congrats on your decisive victory.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): A pal of mine just told me that Maya Angelou once told Oprah Winfrey that if "someone tells you who they are, believe them.” Strip away the sunny advertisement of their turns of phrase. Pull back the fuchsia sequined backdrop. If you still love them, go ahead.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Don’t worry if you press “like” too many times—soon enough the technology will be obsolete and you’ll be able to pulse your compliments directly into you loved ones’ neurotransmitters. Maybe you’re just ahead of your time.

Poetic License Horoscopes is a free syndicated series which appears weekly on such lit blogs as The Serotonin Factory, Critical Mass and The Legendary .If you are interested in adding Poetic License Horoscopes to your lit journal / lit blog, please email me at serotoninfactory@gmail.com.

Ben Lee - Catch My Disease from New West Records on Vimeo.