Poetic License Horoscope for April 1-7

Aries (March 21-April 18): It’s been so chilly out, it’s hard to see the little blue flowers, the blooming trees, the armies of narcissi on the median strips. But they’re there, sure as the sky is blue.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): "The eye of the storm is where I operate, I'm surrounded by chaos but I concentrate." (Brother Ali) Everybody’s been dreaming about waves, but in yours, there’s no drowning. Your breath is infallible, and your head always stays above the froth. It’s okay to pick up your feet off the sand.


Gemini (May 19-June 21): “Let me be universally true without having to be egotistically right. Let this piece find the me that I knew little about. Let the reader find the self they always wanted or was scared to know. Let this piece be a mirror that reflects YOU in us and US as kin folk.” (Sherod Smallman, Prayer Before I Write) Pal, you are a faith millionaire, a glittering handful of true verbs. You’re right to drop your defenses. Go you.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): “Every Christmas is better than the Christmas before,” says little Laura Ingalls in By the Shores of Silver Lake. “I guess it must be because I’m growing up.” Like the Christmas sequence in every children’s book series, you are the best part.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): “You took matchsticks/ turned them into architecture.”-Anis Mojgani

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): “Go on, take everything, take everything, I want you to.” (Hole, Violet) The sky is full of violets, dear, but maybe you can kind of start to trust people to stick around, even after they’ve gotten what they wanted. Isn’t a purple sky reason enough to believe?

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): How many times can I tell you, you’re a map of constellations, a pre-digital navigation system, a painting in which we can tell time, just by the shadows? One more time? Three?

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Bon voyage, Big Love sisterwives! May your mission boat take you to more love, Margene. May you finally master hugging, Nikki. May you continue to follow the guidance of radical Mormon lesbians, Barb. May you explore your girl-liking side more, girl-who was-also-Mac-on-Veronica-Mars.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Don’t worry, Liz Lemon, the world will ALWAYS need you, and Aaron Sorkin, and every other bespectacled sweetheart with a pen, every walking-and-talking angel. At least I hope so.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): If I am judging Apples to Apples, here are some things you should know: 1. Unicorns are trustworthy. 2. My wife will always win unless 3. Someone puts down “Love Letters,” which are almost always the best answer to anything.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): To the Aquarius who seems to have every adorable social justice job: May you be inundated with the glittering thank you notes of children. May you get paid what you deserve, which is everything. May you have your own Lost-island lighthouse, where you can see the whole life of every good deed.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Get yourself some lacy presents and write yourself a Valentine like Hannah McDonald, who says this: “Let’s face it, I must be the one for me/ Because I’ve been loving me in some way or other /For 29 years going strong,/ And that’s longer than some folks stay married.”

Poetic License Horoscopes is a free syndicated series which appears weekly on such lit blogs as The Serotonin Factory, Critical Mass and The Legendary  and Apiary If you are interested in adding the Poetic License Horoscopes to your lit journal / lit blog, please email me at serotoninfactory@gmail.com.

Poetic License Horoscope for Feb 25-March 3 (With nerdtastic video.)

Poetic License Horoscope for February 25-March 3

***The video is courtesy of Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz, whose laugh should be on every recording.

***This week’s horoscope is in celebration of Shappy Seasholtz’s birthday and Spoken Nerd Revolution book release! You can come celebrate Shappy and read your own poetry tonight, Friday, Feb 25 at the Philly Poetry Slam. (InFusion Coffee and Tea, 7133 Germantown Ave. doors at 7:30, reading starts at 8:30)

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): To the Pisces drunk-texting me while playing a sorceress in Dungeons and Dragons: In his very enjoyable book Zombie Spaceship Wasteland, Patton Oswalt says “If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness.”

Aries (March 21-April 18): I’ve been rereading the Little House on the Prairie series lately, and it is AMAZING. Sometimes they play in a haystack for a whole chapter! As Pa said to Half Pint as they were settling in at their Plum Creek home: "We must do the best we can, Laura, and not grumble. What must be done is best done cheerfully. And someday we will have horses again.” And you will!

Taurus (April 19-May 18): Concerning ships that made the Kessel Run, time trials of: a parsec is not a unit of time, but of distance. Measure the parallax between you and language, the distance between you and your favored star. Close one eye, and open the other.


Gemini (May 19-June 21): In Stand by Me, Gordie Lachance wakes up earlier than his friends and wanders back onto the tracks they’ve been following. He has a very meaningful moment meeting the eyes of a deer as it’s crossing the tracks. He decides not to tell his friends about it. You can do this too: keep glimpses and treasure them to yourself.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): Once you notice a pattern, it’s hard to un-notice. For instance, I may need to stop watching The Big Bang Theory because I’ve noticed that their laugh track goes off most often in response to guys showing affection for each other. Humans notice patterns as a means of survival, though, so I guess I’ll go with it.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Here are some things that my wife says are not nerdy: Lolcats, 30 Rock, Patton Oswalt, the 1990s. She says that the mere fact of me liking something does not make it nerdy. I’m not even sure what the difference is between nerds and geeks! Are Venn Diagrams nerdy?

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): According to Star Wars According to a Three Year Old, “The shiny guy always worries.” You can relate to that, right, Virgo?  This week, ignore your inner protocol droid and venture out across Tatooine, with no concern for the sand working its way into your metal joints.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): If you’re Jesse Eisenberg, you’re more Adventureland than The Social Network. If you’re Michael Cera, you’re more Scott Pilgrim than George Michael Bluth. And you sure do deserve to get the girl. And the coins.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Nobody can really understand what was supposed to be so great about Cho Chang, unless it was just her pretty face and her Quiddich skills. Everybody knows that Hermoine was the real dreamboat of Hogwarts, especially after she went renegade and (GASP!) stopped returning library books.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): (Paraphrased from my Praxis prep book.) In this Venn Diagram, what does the shaded part represent: A. All rhombuses B. All parallelograms C. All kites D. All love letters you’ve sent out with hopes of reply that will pay off dividends soon, we promise. (Answer: D, of course.)

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Like Leslie Knope with the words to “Poker Face” stuck in her head because she was out all night dancing at the gay bar after she became a town hero for unintentionally marrying two male penguins, you have a lot to celebrate.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Don’t worry, Liz Lemon. There’s no reason to put on the fanny pack, to stop brushing your hair, to get a cat named Emily Dickinson (Oh no, a hawk got her!) Anyone and everyone would create elaborate subterfuge, just to buoy your spirits.

Poetic License Horoscopes is a free syndicated series which appears weekly on such lit blogs as The Serotonin Factory, Critical Mass  and The Legendary If you are interested in adding the Poetic License Horoscopes to your lit journal / lit blog, please email me at serotoninfactory@gmail.com.