Monday, August 30, 2010

August Resolution Check-in

This was a rough month. I keep remembering that when Gretchen Rubin began the original Happiness Project; she had, at most, minor ennui. Trying it as a depression-soother was a little bit crazy of me. But the thing is, it kind of works. Looking back at this month’s resolutions, I can see where I actually gained some ground.

I would like to transition over in the next few months to this being mostly an art and pop culture blog, but I think The Happiness Project is worth pursuing.

August Resolution #1: Make Friends With First and Second Gear

Huzzah! Thanks to joining Amy at her far-away job for the month, I’ve had LOTS of practice with the clutch and can report a significant reduction in driving-related pathos. Since we have to take 76 through the middle of Philly every morning, I’ve gotten more practiced and self-assured about lane changes, too. Amy still does the look-back when I change lanes and sometimes comments on what gear I should be in, but her backseat driving has eased a lot.

And having an hour and a half to drive and listen to music every morning is soooo pleasant. It’s kind of reformatting my soul.

But I still think driving is kind of a crazy thing for humans to do.

As for friendships, eh. Some are easy and going well, some I had to let go because I couldn’t stop clutching at them. Who knows how it’ll turn out.

August Resolution #2: Be More Out in Lots of Ways

I didn’t get as far with this as I wanted to—being in the middle of a shame-filled heartbreak punctuated by Facebook misunderstandings did not see my heart into a very adventurous mood. But I did realize, somewhat belatedly, that I have to be honest with myself and see my feelings for what they are. Being in love with someone can’t be solved by trying to express-route the person into friendship.

As Lady Gaga says: “I don’t want to be friends.” It’s at least part of the story.

I’m not sure I can save myself the next humiliation, the next crush, but the next time I find myself in love with a friend, I promise to tell him or her the truth (Unless he or she is a coworker. File under “Lesson Learned.”) as promptly and as graciously as possible, and find a way to accept whatever comes next.

August Resolution #3: Make Myself at Home

When Sarah Silverman was little, she told her dad that being depressed is like being homesick even when you’re at home.

I did try to notice when I feel at home, but it is really hard to get rid of the feeling that the rug could be pulled out from under me at any moment.

I think this is one I’ll have to come back to.

August Resolution #4: Get Some Money and Take Care of It

Well, we’re getting there. Working with Amy for August really helps, but we’re still kind of lost in a labyrinth of payment-agreements, shutoff notices, and unpleasant phone calls on our breaks. There’s no way out but through it.

August Resolution # 5: Find a Good, Fulfilling Job

Huzzah again! When the school-year begins, I will have four nice little jobs. I’ll be working at the library’s after school program ten hours a week, doing private poetry tutoring, and teaching two adult-ed courses.

AND taking math classes toward applying for teaching certification programs.

I never grew out of loving back-to-school.

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