Friday, December 3, 2010

Harry Potter and the Fake Astrologer

SPOILER ALERT: If you’re one of those folks who are only watching the movies, you may want to read this … next July.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): You are Mrs. McGonagall! It seems like you should be in the Order of the Phoenix, but someone has to stay at school and be academically heroic — then kick some ass at the end. You are a master of Transfiguration, use it wisely.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Before Deathly Hallows came out, my sister had a “Trust Snape” bumper sticker on the back of her minivan. Dumbledore trusted him, and that was good enough for her.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): You are Dobby, a free elf. You like to refer to yourself in the third person. You are loyal enough to bewitch bludgers and block the platform to keep Harry Potter from danger. You love your friends more than anything.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): You are Molly Weasley, mistress of kitchen magic, high priestess of nagging, deliverer of the swift kick of justice. Your will is titanium, your heart is mush.

Aries (March 21-April 18): You are Remus Lupin! Even though you were distracted by your own werewolf troubles, you still took time to show Harry how to conjure a Patronus. Then Harry showed Dumbledore’s army, and the rest is history.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): Like Hagrid, you’ve got a soft spot for monsters. Be careful where you hide your dragons, sure, but no need to resort to the boredom of flobberworms.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): You are Hermione Granger. You are constantly wondering, “Hasn’t anyone else read Hogwarts, A History?” Luckily, you have.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): Like Mad Eye Moody, you’re very perceptive but you tend to catastrophise. Keep your 360 vision sharp and your sneakoscope at the ready, but really, try to find dome time to relax.

(July 24-Aug. 23): You may have started off clumsy and forgetful, like Neville Longbottom, but your misfit status will mean that you’re one of the few students checking the Dumbledore’s Army communication coin thingie. You’ll be a key player in the resistance.

(Aug. 24-Sept. 23): A friend of mine told me that I am Luna Lovegood, which makes sense because she also thinks I make deals with rainbows. Luna’s a bit more new-agey than I am, but I’ll take it was a compliment. I can be helpful with exposition and explain to Harry about the Thestrals.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): You are Nymphadora Tonks, registered metamorphmagus. You can shift your appearance all you want, but you’ll be a constant underneath that pink hair.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): You’re as strong and as surly as Sirius Black. Watch out for shifty rats. Be ready to assume the form of a dog at any time. Remember that chocolate will offset the effects of the dementors.

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