Friday, December 31, 2010

Poetic License Horoscope for Dec 31-Jan 6 : Your 2011 Resolutions

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Count your success in the gregariousness of your children, the sparkliness of your kitchen, the way you remember the origin of every ornament. Your lucky day is always.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Resolve to be less arbitrary. Decorate your nest as deliberately as a bowerbird does. Never mind David Attenborough murmuring nearby.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Resolve nothing. January for you is about pajamas, fluffy flannel bedding, and cups of tea. Feel free to light ladies’ magazine amounts of candles. Rest as much as you can, until the daffodils come up.

Aries (March 21-April 18): Listen to more comedy albums, but not that Louis C.K. (Really dude? The six-letter f-word? Over and over? What a jackass.) Stick with Mitch Hedberg, Paula Poundstone, Demetri Martin, Aziz Ansari, etc.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): Resolve to frame every piece of kid-art that comes your way. Carry scribbled Post-it notes like talismans. Frame swaths of ruined wall. Amazing.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): Resolve to ask for help, with the dishes, with the yard, with the blues. Get back some of the riches that you’ve handed around, with your heart like luminarias.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): Get a whole bunch of really optimistic magazines and spend an afternoon perusing them. Take the resolutions that sound the most fun, then cut the rest up for collages. (Bonus points, as always, for glitter.)

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): You’re winning. Resolve yourself a trophy room, full of blue ribbons and statuettes. You made the best pie. You bowled a mostly-perfect game. Your My Little Ponies have the most perfectly braided manes. Be sure to reward yourself for anything, everything.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Resolve to remember, you’re not the only one who identifies with this excerpt from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: “Luna had decorated her bedroom ceiling with five beautifully painted faces: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Neville. They were not moving as the portraits at Hogwarts moved, but there was a certain magic about them all the same: Harry thought they breathed. What appeared to be fine golden chains wove all around the pictures, linking them together, but after examining them for a minute or two, Harry realized that the gold chains were actually one word, repeated a thousand times in golden ink: friends…friends…friends..”

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Take off all of your costumes. Hang them neatly in your closet. Get some copper polish for your steampunk gear. Repair everything and go out unadorned.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Like the Philadelphians who drag out chairs to reserve their parking spaces, resolve to claim yourself a little bit of space, either metaphorically or by dragging out furniture.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Make a list marked “Bigger Dreams” for 2010. Be very specific and use a LOT of adjectives. Cut the list into snowflakes and fold the snowflakes neatly into a Godiva box. Tie with a bow and hope for the best.

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