Thursday, April 21, 2011

(Early) Friday Love Poem: Shappy Seasholtz!

OMG Shappy is one of my very favorite people in the universe. As you well know. 

And in case you can't tell, this is a picture of him laying down some phat beets.


When taking a lover, one must proceed with caution.
One mustn't dilly dally like a flim flam man
or titter willy nilly like a precocious school girl
with a daisy in her knickers!

When taking a lover one must pay close attention to ones toenails.
Save the clippings until you have enough to fashion some sort of
toenail sculpture to present to your lover for your four month anniversary.
This is a common practice among lovers in Bavaria and Wichita Falls.

Do not take your Lover to see The Blair Witch Project or The Blair Witch Project
2 or Hellraiser 3 or Friday The Thirteenth in 3-D or Paranormal Activity.

These films will most certainly upset your lover's delicate constitution.
Instead, take your lover to see The Other Sister in which Juliette Lewis
plays a retarded person who falls in love.

When procuring licorice for your lover, please make sure you get red Twizzlers.
If your lover refuses the Twizzlers, this means your lover will never share a
Barq's Root Beer with you on a sweltering, summer day.
Also, your lover may not be so keen on oral sex or religious sects.

When making love with your lover make sure to whisper the lyrics to the Mary
Tyler Moore theme into their left ear.
If this fails to entice your lover, then try humming the theme to Law & Order :
Criminal Intent.

Be sure to have something to nosh on for the post-coital period. I suggest
Flamin' Hot Cheetos but if you are feeling particularly randy-FUNYONS!

If your lover feels the need to continually tell you that you smell of cat piss,
rest assured, what your lover truly means is that they wish to take you to a
Dave & Buster's or a Hannah Montana concert.

If your lover makes a pizza for you out of Play-Doh, it is your duty, as a
lover, to pretend to take a bite out of it and make nummy sounds.

Make sure your lover wears their American flag pin on their left lapel. This
will ensure that your lover will kiss your right cheek while riding the

If your lover throws two red Legos at you during a discussion about German dwarf
porn, give your lover some Pop Rocks and a Coke Zero. Make sure this takes place
near a heated swimming pool in case of bloating.

Most importantly, when taking a lover, make sure to dry hump to classical music
or Sammy Hagar's first album.

Lovers are totes awesome. Plus, they love you and stuff. For REAL!

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