(Photo by Mary Cae Vignolini)
A Closed Letter to James Merenda’s Hot Roommate
after Carmen LoBue
Dear James Merenda’s hot roommate,
If you are reading this letter then you are probably wondering two things, who it is from and why all your left socks are missing. Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Omar Holmon and I’m kind of a big deal. Recently James Merenda has informed that he has a roommate of the opposite sex who is hot, when asked for proof he verified said hotness via link to the Miss March calendar girl photos you took for Autostraddle.com.
After bookmarking this Internet gold of a site then checking to see If your Facebook photos were private or not for reasons I need not mention aloud,I proceeded to memorize the interview questions of your turn ons: creativity, nature, freedom, honey, [guys named Omar Holmon that wear glasses]; as well as your turn offs: arrogance, eye crust, indifference, hairy legs, [guys that don’t live in their mom’s basement]
Oh James Merenda’s hot roommate there is so much that I bet we have in common, I imagine our conversations would go something like this…So do you enjoying eating food to stay alive? Really, me too? Do you use the Internet? GET OUT OF HERE! ME TOO! Wait, do you enjoy ice skating? Wow, that is such a coincidence because my father died trying to do a triple axle jump in the 1988 Winter Olympics! WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!!!!!
Now, I’m sure James has mentioned what great friends we are and how I always ask him questions about what’s going on in his life, like if he lives in an apartment building, if yes what floor, if the bathroom window is near any tree branches or rooftops that could hypothetically support a grappling hook. During one such discussion he was telling me something like, Omar, you know that website she did the photo calendar for is a lesbian website right? …..and? Dude, lesbians only date women. Yea I know… and I only date women too. So that means I’m mad fucking lesbian yo. I’m lesbian all day and tomorrow!
Even my imaginary girlfriend thinks you’re hot, I’m just kidding she’s not imaginary but she still thinks you’re hot. She’s not even mad I’m writing you this because she doesn’t want to censor my artistic expression…Whatever the fuck that is. Look James Merenda’s hot roommate, I know I don’t know your name (Carmen) but I can’t help but feel that we have a connection, perhaps we are soul mates destined to constantly borrow each other’s Annie Difranco and Wu-tang Clan Cd’s
Now I know what you’re wearing... I mean I know what you’re thinking, where are my bed sheets? How long has that grappling hook been hanging from my window? Who is the man hanging from my ceiling by suction cups, that has been monologuing this entire letter out loud? Shhhhhhhhhh, none of that matters right now since you must be tired from a hard day’s work of saving orphan baby seals and grooming unicorns. So just relax and unwind as if you’re totally alone...because you so totally are . Ignore the heavy breathing coming from the closet. Lol totally joking. Lol, no seriously ignore it. By the way if there is a grappling hook hanging from your window that is purely coincidence
But in all seriousness James Merenda’s hot roommate... You are totally hot. Maybe one day we will meet in person and on that day we can call each other facebook friends... with benefits. That poke each other …. often. But until that day I will leave you with this letter and a bunch of now mix matched socks, I hope they find you in good health… preferably naked with the room temperature slightly nippy but good health none the less...
You’ll find that the dishes have been washed and all the trash in the apartment has been taken out. You’re welcome…you’re so very, very hot…..and welcome
Bio: Socially random with +33 charm points Omar "Ion" Holmon lives life like Doug Funnie and believes he'd be the only Jedi whose lightsaber would match his chuck taylors. Omar has been a Grand Slam Champion at Urbana (2010) Nuyorican Poets Cafe (2009), and Loserslam (2009, 2008). When not debating how otters are cuter then lions in his World War Cute Campaign He has been known to perform poetry in the tri-state area for high schools and colleges. His most recent accomplishment thus far has been keeping his plant "precious little life" alive for well over a year now.