Cancer (June 22-July 23): You life is a celebration of edits and submissions. Proofread carefully. Make sure that even your status updates are grammatically correct. Feel free, though, to be immoderate in your use of
exclamation points.
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): “When Christo and I met, he was an artist and I was not. I became an artist only out of love for Christo, and if he had been a dentist, I would have become a dentist.” (Jeanne-Claude) Your love is as generous as The Gates, so big it could wrap up the Reichstag.
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): When Edie Sedgwick and Andy Warhol had a show at the Philadelphia Institute of Contemporary Art, the crowd overwhelmed them so much that they got trapped on a staircase, until they were finally allowed to axe a hole in the ceiling and get out that way. While they’re trapped, “Soup cans, paper bags, and various objects are passed up to the pair; Edie happily signs them “Andy Warhol.” You are not Edie Sedgwick. You’re not trapped, and you can only ever sign your own name.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): “My lifetime listens to yours.” (Muriel Rukeyser) Take the names of all your friends and write them on the backs of fortune cookie slips, right above the lucky numbers. Place bets on those numbers and win.
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Treat yourself to a singalong of all the beltiest songs, Glee versions if you can stand it, preferably while driving someplace fast and new. Sing with your whole face, no matter how you feel.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): The stars see dancing in your future. You are surrounded by pretty strangers of indeterminate gender. Everyone’s singing along so loud that you’ll leave with your ears ringing. When the hum subsides, you’ll know what to do.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): You are at the Louvre, taking bootleg pictures of everything. If it’s not too much trouble, could you bring me back the Nike of Samothrace? She’s my favorite work of art, and I’ve never seen her. There’s no law against travelling with monuments, is there?
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Thank you for your generous stories of complicated love, you make the stars believe it. Wishing you soft beds, endless Free Comic Book Days, cute pictures in your phone, and the miracle of undivided attention. You deserve it.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Thank you for being as sentimental as Weezer’s cover of Unbreak My Heart, which is the perfect thing to belt out on a heartbroken but ecstatic turnpike, while driving just a little too fast.
Aries (March 21-April 18): Like Leslie Knope, you might be torn between the desire to follow the rules and the desire to make out with your adorable coworker. Always err on the side of smooching.
Taurus (April 19-May 18): In her memoir Bossypants, Tina Fey tells a story wherein Jimmy Fallon was trying to shush Amy Poeler from telling a lewd joke. “Stop that! It’s not cute!” he said. “Amy dropped what she was doing, went black in the eyes for a second, and wheeled around to him. “I don’t fucking care if you like it.” The stars encourage you to react in the same way towards any and all naysayers.
Poetic License Horoscopes is a free syndicated series which appears weekly on such lit blogs as The Serotonin Factory, Critical Mass , The Legendary and Apiary If you are interested in adding the Poetic License Horoscopes to your lit journal / lit blog, please email me at serotoninfactory@gmail.com.
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