Poetic License Horoscope for February 25-March 3
***The video is courtesy of Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz, whose laugh should be on every recording.
***This week’s horoscope is in celebration of Shappy Seasholtz’s birthday and Spoken Nerd Revolution book release! You can come celebrate Shappy and read your own poetry tonight, Friday, Feb 25 at the Philly Poetry Slam. (InFusion Coffee and Tea, 7133 Germantown Ave. doors at 7:30, reading starts at 8:30)
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): To the Pisces drunk-texting me while playing a sorceress in Dungeons and Dragons: In his very enjoyable book Zombie Spaceship Wasteland, Patton Oswalt says “If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness.”
Aries (March 21-April 18): I’ve been rereading the Little House on the Prairie series lately, and it is AMAZING. Sometimes they play in a haystack for a whole chapter! As Pa said to Half Pint as they were settling in at their Plum Creek home: "We must do the best we can, Laura, and not grumble. What must be done is best done cheerfully. And someday we will have horses again.” And you will!
Taurus (April 19-May 18): Concerning ships that made the Kessel Run, time trials of: a parsec is not a unit of time, but of distance. Measure the parallax between you and language, the distance between you and your favored star. Close one eye, and open the other.
Gemini (May 19-June 21): In Stand by Me, Gordie Lachance wakes up earlier than his friends and wanders back onto the tracks they’ve been following. He has a very meaningful moment meeting the eyes of a deer as it’s crossing the tracks. He decides not to tell his friends about it. You can do this too: keep glimpses and treasure them to yourself.
Cancer (June 22-July 23): Once you notice a pattern, it’s hard to un-notice. For instance, I may need to stop watching The Big Bang Theory because I’ve noticed that their laugh track goes off most often in response to guys showing affection for each other. Humans notice patterns as a means of survival, though, so I guess I’ll go with it.
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Here are some things that my wife says are not nerdy: Lolcats, 30 Rock, Patton Oswalt, the 1990s. She says that the mere fact of me liking something does not make it nerdy. I’m not even sure what the difference is between nerds and geeks! Are Venn Diagrams nerdy?
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): According to Star Wars According to a Three Year Old, “The shiny guy always worries.” You can relate to that, right, Virgo? This week, ignore your inner protocol droid and venture out across Tatooine, with no concern for the sand working its way into your metal joints.
Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): If you’re Jesse Eisenberg, you’re more Adventureland than The Social Network. If you’re Michael Cera, you’re more Scott Pilgrim than George Michael Bluth. And you sure do deserve to get the girl. And the coins.
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Nobody can really understand what was supposed to be so great about Cho Chang, unless it was just her pretty face and her Quiddich skills. Everybody knows that Hermoine was the real dreamboat of Hogwarts, especially after she went renegade and (GASP!) stopped returning library books.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): (Paraphrased from my Praxis prep book.) In this Venn Diagram, what does the shaded part represent: A. All rhombuses B. All parallelograms C. All kites D. All love letters you’ve sent out with hopes of reply that will pay off dividends soon, we promise. (Answer: D, of course.)
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Like Leslie Knope with the words to “Poker Face” stuck in her head because she was out all night dancing at the gay bar after she became a town hero for unintentionally marrying two male penguins, you have a lot to celebrate.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Don’t worry, Liz Lemon. There’s no reason to put on the fanny pack, to stop brushing your hair, to get a cat named Emily Dickinson (Oh no, a hawk got her!) Anyone and everyone would create elaborate subterfuge, just to buoy your spirits.
Poetic License Horoscopes is a free syndicated series which appears weekly on such lit blogs as The Serotonin Factory, Critical Mass and The Legendary If you are interested in adding the Poetic License Horoscopes to your lit journal / lit blog, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.